So you're aware that Monday night, September 26, is the first of three presidential debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
The event is already being billed the most-watched television event in U.S. history, which, given the complete and total lack of uncertainty about what will happen on that stage, isn't exactly surprising.
Will Trump stay on message? Or will he unleash the wrath of a thousand tweets upon his opponent? And how will Clinton react? Will she stoop to his level? Or will she use decades of political experience to trump his bravado?
No one knows, which is why this is going to be so great.
NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt will moderate from Hofstra University in New York, and will ask the candidates about the ever-so-vague topics of "America's Direction," "Achieving Prosperity," and "Securing America." After a two-minute opening statement by each candidate on the given topic, they will be allowed to use the remaining 11 minutes to debate (read: go for the jugular).
The official proceedings commence at 6 p.m. PDT and will last 90 minutes (no commercials, woo-hoo!).
Most major news outlets will live-stream the debate, but if you're anything like us, you'd prefer to watch it in the company of your fellow citizens.
So for your
1. DeSoto Central Market — Event Page
915 North Central Avenue, Phoenix
Perfect for former Bernie fans, or anyone who already knows they'll need a stiff drink in hand to make it through this 90-minute train wreck. (Plus, there will be free popcorn!)
2. Arizona Republican Party Headquarters — Event Page
3501 North 24th Street, Phoenix
(Hosted by Maricopa County Young Republican Professionals and ASU College Republicans)
Perfect for anyone with a hankering to chant "Lock her up!" throughout the debate — or for the counterintuitive sort who aim to troll people chanting "Lock her up!" throughout the debate.
3. Bliss Rebar — Event Page
905 North Fourth Street, Phoenix
(Hosted by HRC Arizona)
Calling all Clinton fans! This venue is perfect for anyone who's "With Her" and maybe also needs a cocktail to numb the painful reality that Trump might just become president.
4. The Great Debate Venue — Event Page
3375 East Shea Boulevard, Suite 2B, Phoenix
(Hosted by the Arizona Project and the Conservative Business League)
Perfect for anyone who is appalled that HRC "ran the Clinton Foundation as her own personal hedge fund." (Whatever that means.) Also of note: According to the event's hosts, "At 5:30 PM we'll have a very special guest, Mary Ann Mendoza, whose police officer son, Sgt. Brandon Mendoza, was killed by a drunk illegal alien driver. Mary Ann, who personally knows Donald Trump, will tell us about the tradgedy [sic] of losing her son and the kindness, warnth [sic] and concern Donald Trump has shared with her and other Angel Families."
5. East Valley Democrats Headquarters — Event Page
538 South Gilbert Road #106, Gilbert
(Hosted by East Valley Democrats)
For the Clinton fan who doesn't feel like driving all the way into Phoenix to watch the shit-showdown. Rumor has it there will be food trucks in the area, and the organizers are promising free cake.
6. Univision AZ — Event Page
1710 East Indian School Road, Phoenix
(Hosted by Mi Familia Vota)
This should be a hoot if you've been looking forward to seeing the candidates attack each other over immigration policy while also trying to pander to the Latino voting demographic.
7. West Valley Republican Headquarters
10050 West Bell Road, Suite 50, Sun City
(Hosted by the West Valley Republican Party)
Are you convinced that "Hillary Clinton" is Latin for "Apocalypse"? Do you yearn to chow down on barbecue while the two candidates spar? (K Star BBQ's food truck will be parked outside.)
8. Islamic Community Center of Tempe — Event Page
131 East Sixth Street, Tempe
(Hosted by the ICC Tempe)
This is the place for you, if your core belief is that tolerance and diversity are positive virtues. You are pretty much guaranteed not to see a Trumpster within half a mile of this event.
Watching the debate at home? Here's a drinking game to help get you through it.