Audio By Carbonatix
Truth Be Told
The Millennial Arizona Republic has taken journalistic activism to a new low with its offer to pay for polygraph tests for two congressional candidates accused of mudslinging. Wait. Perhaps activism is the wrong word. Self-absorbed meddling is a better description.
The two District 1 candidates — Tom “Tom” Liddy and Susan “Extremely” Bitter Smith — ultimately paid for the dissembling tests themselves. Both also helped their respective polygraph examiners craft the questions to which they responded.
The ruckus started after the Bitter Smith campaign gathered public records on real estate transactions by a third House candidate, Jeff “Corn” Flake. The Bitter Smith campaign then passed those supposedly innocuous documents to the Liddy campaign. Bitter Smith claimed that Liddy had asked for the papers, while Liddy claimed that by compiling the data, Bitter Smith had broken a pledge to run a clean race.
Predictably, both Liddy and Bitter Smith announced that they had passed their prevarication challenges. Nobody was lying, nothing was settled. It was the lead story in Tuesday’s Republic. Yadda, yadda.
Being a zealous proponent of meddlesome and empty journalism, the Flash is pleased to announce that New Times is following the Republic‘s “cutting-edge” and “controversial” quest for attention, and is hereby challenging the following public figures to strap on the wires and settle once and for all the following trenchant queries:
Sheriff Joke Arpaio: “Are your panties pink?”
Mayor Skip “Skippy” Rimsza: “Did you really graduate from high school?”
Humble John McCain: “If I whip out the queen of diamonds, will you get all glassy-eyed and start quoting Chairman Mao?”
Cindy McCain: “You holdin’?”
George W. Bush: “Do you know any reporters who aren’t ‘assholes’?”
Al Gore: “You love a big fattie, don’t you?”
Barry Goldwater: “Is hell really hot?”
Jerry Colangelo: “Do you enjoy being a welfare queen?”
Diamondbanks prez Rich Dozer: “It’s Friday, September 1. Your team is fighting for its playoff life but is currently getting pasted by the Florida Marlins at BOB. What in heaven’s name is so freakin’ funny?”
Alex Cabrera: “How does your coffee taste?”
Buck Showalter: “You love a big fattie, don’t you?”
Former officers of the Baptist Foundation of Arizona: “Do you think hell will really be hot?”
Evan Mecham: “Be honest, now — what planet are you from?”
U.S. Representative Bob Stump: “Hello? Anyone home? Helloooooo?”
Republic managing editor Julia Wallace: “Is this résumé current?”
State Representative Barbara Blewster: “Whoa! Did you just see that black helicopter?”
Chief Deputy David Hendershott: “Ever heard of Jenny Craig?”
Bishop Thomas O’Brien: “¿Que pasa?”
Kevin Johnson: “Is it true you like to work with young people?”
Ryan Kealy: “You love a big fattie, don’t you?”
Channel 10’s morning Barbie, Ilona Carson: “Did we hear you correctly? Did you just say BRIDE Over the River Kwai?”
Gary Hall Sr.: “Wanna buy some malpractice insurance?”
Gary Hall Jr.: “You love a big fattie, don’t you?”
Charles Keating: “Did you try to have Larry Flynt whacked?”
J. Fife Symington III: “Did you have John Yeoman whacked?”
G. Gordon Liddy: “How many people have you whacked?”
Jerrod Mustaf: “Did you have your girlfriend whacked?”
“Hap” Tovrea: “Did you have your stepmother whacked?”
Arizona House Speaker Jeff Groscost: “Are you whacked?”
Chicanos por la Caustic
The Flash has printed excerpts from the Ladmo Park Chicano News in the past. The monthly underground e-zine is the self-appointed defender and arbiter of La Raza culture in these parts. It’s irreverent, unapologetic and frequently funny, especially the rants of “Nezahualcoyotl, the Ladmo Park Prime Minister of Verbal War.”
This month, Nez asks the burning question: Is the Arizona State Fair unfair? The minister suggests that the upcoming fair’s lineup of concerts didn’t include any “Latino” acts “until, as an ‘after thought,’ Freddy Fender was included. Hell, I saw Freddy Fender at the fair as a kid 25 years ago, couldn’t they think of anyone else?! Now I’m madder than a elephant with jock itch.
“Who the hell do they think goes to the pinche fair?! We’re it man! We bring it on ourselves! Where else can you see everyone you don’t want to see in just a few hours? Every ex-girlfriend, every vato you’ve had bronca with, every girl you’ve promised you’d call and never did. They’re all there and with all the grief you and they bring you’d figure the fair would at least have Rocky Padilla there to soothe our nerves. But nooooooo!
“Man, who picked out this line up? Tex Earnhardt? How much country western music do we need? That mierda makes me want to slash my wrists man. Does anyone know who is responsible for this? Let me know man, me and my camaradas want to have a long painful talk with him. You’re probably saying, ‘Ohh no Nez, you can’t hurt them!’ Man, I don’t want to hurt them, I want them to hear my eight tracks! ‘Oooooooo, baby baby.'”
Ladmo Park Chicano News touts itself as “the ORIGINAL Chicano E-Zine. We’re not Hispanic, Latino or even Mexican.”
Its mission statement: “To research, inform, advocate, promote, protect and expose by peaceful means in the best interest of Arizona’s Chicanos.”
If you’d like an e-subscription, send an e-mail to Ladmo55@hotmail.com