R&G G = R&
Once upon a time not so long ago, The Flash considered the Phoenix Gazette a better read than its drooling, slothful, J.D. Hayworthesque brother, the morning Arizona Republic.

The Gazette's writing was not so turgid, the reporting was more complete, the photography more compelling, the journalists cooler, in a Harry Dean Stantonesque way. The Gazette's best reporters were like news commandos, maintaining a feisty, beret-clad, we'll-show-them attitude toward their morning "competitor," the saliva-sodden, Rick Robeyesque Republic.

Over time, however, the once-proud Gazette morphed from defiant stepchild to emaciated orphan. Its deadlines were moved so early in the morning that one grizzled scribe suggested the paper's new slogan was "Yesterday's News Tomorrow." Circulation plummeted, bean counters diverted resources and, finally, the Gazette was gurgitated into the great gurgling, Harry Carayesque gullet of the Republic.

When the news staffs merged, Valley residents were assured that each newspaper would retain its special flavor, which in the Gazette's case was toothpaste-minty and in the Republic's case was draintrap-hairbally. But it's been a charade. Throw out a few columnists and editorialists (please) and the daytime Gazette has been little more than a tardier version of the Buddy Ryanesque Republic.

The Flash's legion of sources inside the R&G's glittering new ant farm--some inhabitants are calling it BiasSphere II--now say that within weeks, the "G" will be deflagged, humanely destroyed, put down, lethally injected, drowned in a burlap bag, crushed with large stones. Important balding people have been meeting furtively with Dr. Kevorkian to figure out how to euthanize the Gazette and announce the inevitable layoffs/buyouts. The Flash is guessing that uppity women will be the first to go.

A Flawed Proposition
The Flash, being a perpetually available playperson, always peruses New Times' romance ads. One recent pitch is worth repeating:

GWM, 38, 5'10", 170 lbs is seeking only Tempe mayor for romance and ?. Republicans need not apply.

Yes, GWM, 38--Tempe Mayor Neil Giuliano is gay. He came out of the proverbial pantry earlier this year. And we hate to be a political party pooper, GWM, 38.

But Giuliano's a Republican. Have you thought about Ed Koch?

Taking the "Fact" Out of Manufacture
Motorola, a heavy hitter in the Arizona Association of Industries, nominated its ownself for the AAI Manufacturer of the Year Award. And--hallelujah, brothers and sisters--Motorola won one of the two awards given this year.

The awards go to any manufacturer that excels in products, contributions to economy and work force and environmental stewardship.

Environmental stewardship?
Try environmental sewership.
Motorola's contest application apparently failed to mention that it has been linked to five Superfund sites in the Valley, sites so contaminated that underground drinking-water reserves have yet to be cleaned up.

"Based on their application and the things Motorola is doing not only for their employees and the community at large, they are a fine run company and a great community citizen," AAI spokesperson Nancy Russell avows.

Sharing the honors with Motorola was Simula, a Tempe-based firm. To our knowledge, Simula definitely hasn't been associated in any way with toxic Superfund sites.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.