Flashes Emergency Edition

The Flash is not making this up. On July 21, the lead editorial in the Arizona Republic asked readers to help create an advertising slogan or jingle to help the Valley — the “Un-Vegas” — compete with Las Vegas for tourism and convention business.

It seems the money-grubbers in Sin City are siphoning off too many dollars from the money-grubbers in Phoenix. A true emergency.

The Flash was only too happy to offer some suggestions, most of which originally appeared in the “Daily Flash, A Reader’s Guide to the Arizona Republic” (available exclusively at www.phoenixnewtimes.com/archive/dailyflash/), with some actual suggested print ads created here for your edification.

We Want You in Phoenix

Provided You’ve Got a Gold Card

Unlike Las Vegas,

We Let a Sports Mogul Run the City

We’re So Un-Vegas

In Vegas, The Mob Keeps a Lid onCorruption

Unlike Las Vegas,

Our Point-Shavers Get Caught

Build Your Self-Esteem:

Spend an Hour at Metrocenter

You’ll Be Enthralled

With Our Sprawl

Tempe Has Sex Appeal

Fall in Love With Our Rubber Dams — And Don’t Forget Your Damn Rubbers

See Van Buren Street:

More Bang for Your Buck!

Van Buren:

It Ain’t Mustang Ranch, ButWe’ve Got Lower OverHead, If You Catch OurDrift

Phoenix:

Giant Liver Spot in the Desert

Don’t Miss Bank One Ballpark

(It’s Sponsored by Las Vegas)

Find Relief in Phoenix

(Offer Not Valid at Bank One Ballpark)

Phoenix

More Old Farts

What Are the Odds?

Of getting hit by a falling bullet: 3-to-2.

Of having someone you voted for convicted ofa crime: Even.

Of getting rear-ended: Certain.

Of witnessing road rage: Certain.

Of having a meal prepared by a former governor: 4-to-1.

Of getting hit by an errant golf drive: 3-to-1.

Of being washed away in a flash flood: 5-to-1.

Of being mummified in the desert: 3-to-2.

Of witnessing a police shooting: 6-to-5.

Of seeing a motorist turn left from the right-hand lane: Even.

Welcome to Phoenix

Favorite Destination of Protected Witnesses

Welcome to the Valley

(But Please Don’t Assassinate Sheriff Joke)

We’re Number Three!

(In Street Fatalities)

You’ll Love Our Weather

Falling Bullets Outnumber Raindrops!

Welcome to South Phoenix

Go Ahead and Drive By

We Care So Much About OurVisitors, Our Citizens Build Them Hotels

Arizona: Land of Opportunity

Just Ask Ned Warren, CharlesKeating and J. Fife Symington III

The Arizona Republic Wants You:

To Visit Phoenix, Play Golf, Move Here, Buya Home With a Pool and a Vaulted Ceiling in a Gated Community, Register Republican, Put Your 2.4 Kids in a CharterSchool, Buy Several Cars, CommuteFromNorth Scottsdale, Get Season Tickets for the D-Banks, the Cardinals, the Suns, theCoyotes, the Symphony, the Ballet. AndDon’t Forget toRead The Rep!

Vacation in Phoenix

The Stockholder You Benefit May Be YourNeighbor

Cacti, Anyone?

Phoenix Is Chock-Full of Pricks!

We’re Not Vegas

(Although Las Vegas Lacks a Real Daily Newspaper, Too)