Audio By Carbonatix
In order to be a topflight journalist like myself, you need keen powers of observation to pick up on the subtleties of life that escape the common folk. And lately, one thing I’ve been noticing is that the difference between fathers and mothers is as great as the difference between men and women.
Really. Believe me. I’m a trained, professional journalist.
To wit:
A mother will go to the store for bread and milk, and return with enough groceries to feed Bangladesh for a year. A father will go to the store for bread and milk, and return with bread, beer and five dollars’ worth of lottery tickets.
When mothers prepare dinner, they draw from the four basic food groups. When fathers prepare dinner, they draw from the four Tupperware containers closest to the refrigerator door.
After a mother has given her child a bath, the bathroom will appear unused. After a father has given his child a bath, only the soap, washcloth and shampoo will appear unused.
Mothers sometimes give their kids between-meal snacks. Fathers sometimes give their kids between-snack meals.
Feeding a baby, a mother will get most of the food in the child’s mouth. A father will get most of the food within a fifteen-foot radius of the child’s mouth.
Mothers write down telephone messages. Fathers commit them to memory and pass along vague details of the calls the following Wednesday if they don’t have something more important on their minds.
A mother will recoil with horror at the sight of the family dog sliming her baby with slobber. A father will delight in this bonding ritual between a boy and his dog, and try to calm the mother by mentioning that canine saliva is among the most sanitary substances known to man. Or at least that’s what he heard. Somewhere.
A mother will buy her youngster an ice cream cone only when he’s good. A father will buy one only when he’s suckered by the screaming brat’s promise that he’ll start being good as soon as somebody buys him an ice cream cone.
Mothers dress their children as if every day were Sunday. Fathers dress their children as if every day were Saturday–and since they’re not planning to be seen by anyone they know, what the hell, Friday’s clothes don’t look all that dirty.
Mothers don’t make any major purchases unless the box says “Assembly Required.” Fathers don’t buy anything that comes in a box on the off-chance that assembly will be required.
Mothers wash dishes after every meal. Fathers wash dishes when the sink is so full you have to go to the bathroom for a glass of water.
Mothers take their children to the state fair to see the 4-H exhibits. Fathers take their children to the state fair to impress them with his manly ability to spend $53 trying to knock down enough aluminum milk bottles to win a four-inch stuffed animal of indeterminate species that nobody wants.
A mother will say “no” and mean it. A father will say “no” and mean it until the mother corrects him.
Mothers teach their children about sex by telling them about the birds and the bees. Fathers teach their children about sex by not finding a foolproof hiding place for their secret collection of Busty Babes in Bondage magazines.
Mothers want their sons to be sensitive, caring human beings. Fathers want their sons to be sensitive, caring human beings who know how to maim or permanently cripple a 340-pound enemy quarterback without getting bounced from the game or earning a penalty.
Mothers think of their daughters’ first date as a rite of passage. Fathers think of it as a virgin sacrifice.
When their children leave home, mothers worry that they won’t eat right. Fathers worry that they’ll be back in an hour, eating right out of the fridge and asking for another loan.
A father hopes his grown children will remember everything he taught them. A mother hopes her grown children will remember they have parents.
