By Jonathan McNamara
Kevin Patterson is a drunken, lying, tiny balls having, STD-carrying, half naked, sad excuse for a poet good only for sleeping with illiterate whores in foreign countries.
At least that’s what his friends said.
Former host Kevin Patterson stepped into the limelight for the last time to be roasted on Grand Avenue Live, a monthly talk show performed at Trunk Space. Patterson is giving up Live for a get rich quick scheme that convinces retirees to live in squalor. Or was it that he’s leaving to support his underage wife and child in Brazil? It sort of depends on whom you ask.
Roasters held next to nothing back as they attacked his credibility, his drunken escapades and perhaps most crushing of all, the number of girls he’s slept with. One roaster claimed to have asked around and discovered that either Patterson hasn’t slept with any girls in town or they’re simply unwilling to admit it.
Genuine compassion was also shared by the roasters for their unique friend. Grand Avenue Live Band Leader (it’s just him with a piano) and Science Correspondent Jonathan Standifird was quick to point out how well Patterson listens to his friends’ trials and tribulations.
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“Like when I confessed to him that I secretly wanted to have sex with Optimus Prime from the Transformers, he quietly snored and pretended to be passed out so as not to embarrass me.”
Leslie “Sugar Tits” Barton shoved an apple in Patterson’s mouth claiming that it’s not a roast without an apple. Listen to a little of what she had to say about Patterson:
Despite Patterson’s absence, Grand Avenue Live will continue under the care of new host David Taber. The next show is scheduled for August 7, 2008.