The Green Bay Packers are headed to the Super Bowl this Sunday, which means one thing for those of us in civilized society (a.k.a. anywhere but Wisconsin): we're gonna have sit back and listen to the Midwestern drivel coming from the mouths of Packer fans for roughly the next week.
Packer fans are a rare breed -- aside from the obvious dental challenges that seem to plague the "Badger State," the combination of Old Style Lager (now under a new name, but it's the same swill), motor oil, and processed meat creates a level of hillbilly-dom that cannot be matched.
Yesterday, New Times music editor Martin Cizmar compiled a list of things you might hear Steelers fans say in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, in which he argues that people from Pittsburgh are white trash. Martin, you see, is from Ohio, which is ironic in that someone from Ohio calling people from Pittsburgh white trash is like Elton John calling Nathan Lane a homo. Not to mention, Pittsburgh fans wouldn't stand a chance in hell if pitted against a "cheese head" in a hillbilly show down.
We went a different route in our fan-bashing -- below you will find five indicators that you might be a Packers fan (just in case you didn't already know).
5) You think A.J. Hawk is the hottest chick in Wisconsin.
This might not be an opinion, this might be a fact. Packers linebacker A.J. Hawk's flowing blond hair is enough to give any "cheese head" a chub. If you've never met a beautiful woman from Wisconsin, that's because they don't exist. There's a reason Girls Gone Wild has never been to Green Bay -- and it's not the cold.
4) You think using your snowmobile as a means of game-day transportation is the best way to avoid a DUI.
A common misconception amongst Packers fans.
Cheese heads are considerate in knowing that after using a case of Milwaukee's Best Ice as a sort of pre-game anti-freeze for their blood, they shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car. However, they often turn to their birth right as Wisconsinites as an alternative means of transportation: snowmobiles. Hate to break your hearts, cheese balls, you can get a DUI on a snowmobile, too. Best case scenario: you just crash into a tree while trying to impress your toothless buddies by jumping over the 1967 Ford Galaxy that's been parked in his backyard since the Carter administration.
3) You still refer to Green Bay as "Title Town"
Cheese heads are so in love with this outdated moniker that it appears on the seal of the city of Green Bay's Chamber of Commerce -- despite the Packers having only won three (real) titles. Sure, the Packers won nine "titles" in the pre-Super Bowl era (when it didn't matter), but they've only won three Super Bowls, the last one having been 15 years ago. Way to (ahem) live in the now.
2) The deer hanging from a tree in your front lawn is wearing a Reggie White jersey
Just having a deer hanging from a tree in your front lawn is good sign you're a Packers fan -- but it could also mean you're a Buffalo Bills fan, so it's important to distinguish your deer carcass' team affiliation with a jersey. Reggie White's No. 92 seems like the obvious choice (now that the only other noteworthy Green Bay player in the past 20 years is about to retire -- again -- as a Minnesota Viking).
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1) You hate Brett Favre because he left Green Bay -- NOT because he's a douchebag
Brett Favre is a douchebag. He sends pictures of his dick to chicks half his age, he's a spokesman for Wrangler blue jeans, he sobs every time he talks about leaving football, he throws interception after interception and never seems to give a shit, and most importantly, he doesn't know when to call it a career. But that's not why Packer fans hate him -- they hate him because he left the frozen wasteland they call "Title Town," which happens to be the only praiseworthy thing he's ever done.
There you have it. If any of the aforementioned scenarios apply to you, there's a good chance you're a Packers fan. If so, and you haven't yet declared you fan-dom, feel free to click here and fill out an application to make it official.