Feathered Bastard

Joe Arpaio, Suck It Up: Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Paul Penzone

As far as I'm concerned, the only race that matters in this election is the race for Maricopa County sheriff.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pulling for Rich Carmona to top Congressman Jeff Flake in the run for U.S. Senate, and I'm praying (best as an atheist can) that President Obama beats back Mitt Romney's vigorous, used car-salesman-like challenge.

But if all goes well in those races, and we're left with Arpaio for four more, those wins will be bittersweet.

See also: -Paul Penzone Can Beat Arpaio, If He Turns Up the Heat -New Times' Investigative File on Sheriff Joe

Democrat Paul Penzone is the best chance we've had in years to be rid of Sheriff Joe -- and permanently exile his sorry self to Fountain Hills, where he can spend the remainder of his existence going through Ava's list of honey-dos and thinking wistfully of fired former MCSO Captain Joel Fox, axed Deputy Chief Larry Black and the love that dare not speak its name.

Hope for the best, anticipate the worst. That's my motto in this election. And if Arpaio survives this contest, well, I reckon I'll have job security for four more years.

But I'd much rather see this public menace defeated so I could ride off into the sunset, Randolph Scott-style, and tell the world, "My job here is done."

10) Penzone is far less likely to croak in office. (Which also could be a reason to vote for Joe, comprendes?)

09) Penzone doesn't automatically tick off one-third of the local population; i.e., the brown folk.

08) Penzone can still remember what day of the week it is.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons