Feathered Bastard

Joe Arpaio To Live Stream the Bull Every Wednesday at 1:30 P.M.

The MCSO's highly-paid PR apparatchiks have just sent out an announcement on the one guy who seems to get more publicity than neo-Nazi J.T. Ready these days.

I'm talking, of course, about our own geriatric, Mr. Magoo-esque gendarme, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who will begin livebroadcasting his mug Big Brother style on www.ustream.tv/channel/JMA-tv1, every Wednesday at 1:30 P.M.

Thankfully, it'll only last about 5 to 10 minutes (according to the release), wherein Joe can run through the same dozen or so stories that he always regurgitates when he's on the senility stroll, pimping his latest Hispanic-bashing efforts to the alter kockers out in Sun City.

Joe wants to "respond to current issues relating to his office," says the MCSO announcement. But of course, without any of those pesky reporters around to ask him how the federal grand jury looking into his office is going, or if he'll wear pink undies the day (if and when) he's indicted.

Still, filling 10 whole minutes of airtime could be tough for our geezer top cop, even with the assistance of wannabe poodle primper and MCSO flack Lisa Allen, star of the reality TV series The Groomer Has It.

So here are a few suggestions for episode fodder, from Arpaio's perspective. Hopefully, this will be almost as big for Joe as that dumb radio show he was broadcasting from jail years back.

Which radio show, you ask? Exactly...

Episode One: What Ava Fed Me for Din-Din: Beenie Weenies or Spaghettios, and Which One Is Rougher on the Tummy.

Episode Two: A New Way To Torture Mexicans: Feed Them Ava's Beenie-Weenies

Episode Three: Did I Ever Read My Book Joe's Law? Or Did Len Sherman Read It For Me?

Episode Four: What Dave Hendershott Told Me To Do Today

Episode Five: Fun with VooDoo Dolls with Rick Romley's Face On 'Em. Heh.

Episode Six: They Tattooed a Pic of Me, Where?

Episode Seven: How I Broke the French Connection and Arrested Elvis All in the Same Day

Episode Eight: Comedian Andy Thomas Stops By To Tell Rick Romley Jokes. Boy, Are They Funny...

Episode Nine: County Attorney Candidate Bill Montgomery Sits On My Knee and Tells Me How Great I Am. Then I Spank Him for Saying I Should Be in the Old Folks Home. Little Weasel!

And Episode Ten: I Explain How Arresting Sizzler Steak House Employees Keeps the Public Safe from Rapists and Murderers. See, Them Sizzler Employees Don't Run as Fast

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons