Jokes you won't hear at the Joe Arpaio roast...

If you ask me, Joe likes playing with puppies a little too much...

This canine is older and wiser...

By now, most folks have surely heard of the Joe Arpaio roast local Republicans are holding in Sun City at the Maricopa County Events Center. Sun City! Everyone there's gonna look like Bea Arthur or Larry King.

It's doubtful anyone will really take verbal pot-shots at Maricopa County's version of Idi Amin. In fact, I was recently told by one of the roasters that he's seen the other guys' material, and it's all lame, 'cause people are afraid to make fun of the guy. So I'm gonna do it for 'em! Here are some of the jokes you won't be hearing at the Joe Show if you go. Thanks to my colleague Ben Leatherman, who assisted with a few of these. To be fair, Joe should really arrest him first.

I'm hoping aspiring comics out there will add to the joke list. We might as well make fun of Arpaio, since we're stuck with the bastard for the time being.

Attorney General Terry Goddard wanted to be here today to roast the Sheriff, but the Selective Enforcement Unit currently has him detained.

Joe's getting old. His hearing's shot. The other day a reporter asked him if he'd been in the Klan, and he said, "No I go potty after lunch."

I'm not saying Joe's senile, but he's the only person I know who has a paid subscription to New Times.

Yep, Joe’s Alzheimer’s has gotten so bad, he wants to arrest Mike Lacey again.

Arpaio hates it when Hispanic leaders compare him to Hitler. He's right, they're nothing alike. Hitler had one ball and a gal-pal named Eva. And Joe can't remember the last time he balled his Ava.

Some people claim Arpaio's a racist, but we know that's not true. In his jails, he treats everyone like Mexicans.

Joe said he really wanted to get Paris Hilton in handcuffs. But she told him she already had a boyfriend.

Yeah, Joe's deputies kill more inmates than sharpened toothbrushes.

Know why the MCSO can no longer afford to buy posse members uniforms? The price of Depends is through the roof!

Because of a budget crunch, the Sheriff's office is cutting way back. No more green bologna for prisoners, just an extra beating at supper time.

To save on processing illegals, Sheriff's deputies will now shoot 'em on sight and charge 'em after the fact with releasing sensitive grand jury information.

They say old enemies Arpaio and Russell Pearce have made up. But who knew we'd find them French-kissing in the parking lot of Pruitt's?

I’m not saying Arpaio’s old, but I’ve seen younger faces on money.

Andy Thomas and Joe used to be bosom buddies. Then Joe tried deporting Thomas' in-laws.

Actually, the Governor was supposed to be here, but she had a doctor’s appointment. She’s being screened for prostate cancer.

You know Joe’s started dying his hair. There’s more 40-weight on his scalp than a Valvoline commercial...The only place there’s more dying is in his jails.

Joe’s so dumb he thinks Cesar Chavez is a salad dressing.

Joe's eyesight's going too. The other day he swore Stephen Lemons looked just like David Hendershott...Pants size, maybe. But at least Lemons' head doesn't look like a rotted jack-o-lantern.

Joe’s so old, he looks like W.C. Fields…now.

I'm not saying Joe likes to drink, but his nose is so purple and veiny, the other day a wino tried to lick it.

Joe's decided to learn Spanish. Already, he thinks the Spanish word for Sheriff is "pendejo."

Did you hear Joe deputized Spider Man? Then Joe showed him how to spin a web of lies.

They call Joe America's Toughest Sheriff. And that's just his stool sample.

Last, but not least, here's Joe on Lou Dobbs saying it's an honor to be called KKK...

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