Kevin Kolb's Toast for the Season, Clearing the Way for Cardinals' Total Suck-Fest

The Arizona Cardinals have placed porcelain doll quarterback Kevin Kolb on injured reserve, meaning he's done for the season.

That move leaves the Cardinals with three options at quarterback for the rest of the suck-fest known as the 2012 season: starter-turned-backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter John Skelton, rookie Ryan Lindley, and some dude found on the waiver wire named Brian Hoyer.

See also:
-Arizona Cardinals Suck More Than Ever, Lose 58-0 to Seattle Seahawks
-Kevin Kolb Out for "Unspecified Time Frame"; John Skelton's in Charge Again
-Arizona Cardinals Lose to Buffalo Bills; Kevin Kolb Gets Injured

Coach Ken Whisenhunt, in his post-game press conference after the 58-0 shellacking put on by the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, also asked a reporter if he could play quarterback next week. The consensus among those present was that Whiz was joking.

So, between the two quarterbacks who've already played -- Skelton and Lindley -- they've led the Cardinals to a combined zero victories during this nine-game losing streak, throwing a combined two touchdowns and 14 interceptions.

Hoyer, who was once Tom Brady's backup in New England, threw his only career touchdown and an interception in 2010.

His lone pass attempt last season was a 22-yard completion to Rob Gronkowski, with about 90 seconds left in the Patriots' 28-point win over the Buffalo Bills on January 1.

Our suggestion at the quarterback -- aside from the winner of an open tryout -- would have been former Dallas Cowboys backup and ASU Sun Devil stud Rudy Carpenter.

Don't ask why, because we don't have the answer. His lone regular-season snap as an NFL quarterback was a hand-off when he came in for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but we're friends with him on Facebook, and he seems pretty bored sometimes.

The Cardinals' front-office doesn't seem too receptive to our opinions this year, so the other three guys are the ones who will be replacing Kolb, who technically had a 3-2 record for the Cardinals this season. In the first game, Skelton went down with an injury, and Kolb threw what ended up being the game-winning TD pass.

The Cardinals won the next three games with Kolb, before losing squarely to the St. Louis Rams in week five. In week six, Kolb got injured late in the fourth quarter against the Buffalo Bills. John Skelton's second pass attempt in overtime was intercepted, setting up the Bills' game-winning, 25-yard field goal.

Even though Kolb took an absolute beating in the sacks department -- mostly due to the anemic offensive line -- before his ribs detached, he's still missed plenty of games since joining the Cardinals last year.

In 29 regular-season games with Kolb on the roster, he's played in 15. He also gets payed millions of bucks, so there's already speculation that he may not be back.

That doesn't matter much right now, since the Cardinals still have three more chances to make asses of themselves this season. In the next three weeks, the Cards play the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, and San Francisco 49ers. About 56 percent of New Times readers thought it was possible for the Cardinals to suck more than they did in the 58-0 loss to Seattle, so we'll have to wait to find out if that's true.

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Matthew Hendley
Contact: Matthew Hendley