Feathered Bastard

Le Templar Hawks Gun Rights for Goldwater Institute, and Why I Just Purchased My First Minuteman Missile

I've always dreamed of riding a nuclear payload right into enemy territory a la Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove (whatever "enemy territory" is these days), and I'm a step closer because of the efforts of former East Valley Tribune columnist Le Templar and his new bosses at the Goldwater Institute here in Phoenix.

See, Le recently abandoned ship at the long-sinking Trib for a gig at G.I., and though I regularly read his "What I Know" blog, I guess I missed the most recent one, wherein he informed the public that he was starting with the libertarian think-tank as a member of the staff.

So imagine my surprise when I opened a recent e-mail from G.I. arguing on behalf of gun rights to find that Templar is now G.I.'s communications director. I shot an e-mail back to Le, who tells me that he started January 25 and is so far enjoying the gig.

Bully for him. I've always enjoyed Templar's take on Sand Land's polluted political environment. And I'm hoping that if the Repugnant can ever separate E.J. Montini from his swivel chair and show his simpering mug the door, it'll get a clue and replace him with someone who has something to say, you know, like Templar.

(Or, as I've argued before, even the Rep's own Richard Ruelas, who's been banished to the "ladies," er, I mean, the "living" section. Ruelas' crime? Like Templar, he can write. But I digress...)

Anyway, Templar's e-mail for G.I. was about how the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution can be used to guarantee gun rights for all. The 14th Amendment happens to be one of my favorite amendments. It established what is essentially birthright citizenship -- so hated by the local, anti-Hispanic hillbillies here in Cactus Country, and it helped the Civil Rights Movement achieve significant victories over Jim Crow in the '50s and '60s.

Now, according to the Goldwater Institute, the 14th Amendment's gonna let me buy my first nuke. Since the Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees my right to bear arms, and since the 14th Amendment should keep the states from infringing on this right, shouldn't these dictates apply to nuclear arms as well? We all know that warheads don't kill people, people do.

Wanting to be the very first test case for the Goldwater Institute, I'm planning to purchase a Minuteman missile and stick it in my back yard. Who says I can't? Those who say, "nay," are infringing on my liberties. Hey, don't make me brandish my Minuteman at you.

For the record, Templar states that he and the Goldwater Institute are a "good fit" for  each other, because his opinions and the Institute's are generally congruent. I used to dream of a good fit with a political institution of some sort, but, alas, the Wobblies ain't what they used to be...

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons