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LEAPIN' LIZARDS

It seemed my son was just starting to get the hang of having a sister when he said, "Hey, dad. When Jessica gets a little older, I'm going to buy her a Barbie doll!" He promptly shattered the illusion by adding, "And then we can play `Barbie versus Godzilla'!"

The poor kid doesn't know what he's in for . . . GODZILLA: Honey, I'm hoo-ooome! EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh!

BARBIE: Well, it's about time. Where have you been all day?
GODZILLA: At work. That's where I've been. Trying to scrape up the payments on that Malibu Barbie Sports Car you couldn't live without.

BARBIE: At work? You call eating people and stomping on buildings "work"? Why don't you get a real job? You could be a lifeguard or a tanning-salon manager--something with a future.

GODZILLA: I like what I do. It's satisfying. Relaxing. Helps me work out my frustrations. EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh!

BARBIE: What about my frustrations? Do you think it's easy having a giant radioactive lizard for a boyfriend? Nobody comes to our Malibu Barbie Beach House anymore. They're all afraid you're gonna eat them and stomp on their sports cars.

GODZILLA: Get off it. Just last week we had Rodan, Mothra, and Ghidra the Three-Headed Monster over for strawberry daiquiris and chocolate fondue.

BARBIE: Yes! All of your friends.
GODZILLA: You could have joined in on the conversation!
BARBIE: What conversation? You were yelling, "Let's go trash a Safeway!" Rodan's screaming, "No, no, let's level a mall!" And meanwhile, I broke a nail trying to keep Mothra from eating the drapes. Godzilla, I'm bored. To tell you the truth, I'm starting to wonder why I ever dumped Ken.

GODZILLA: You dumped him because I ate his arms and he couldn't play tennis anymore.

BARBIE: What good did it do me? He can still play tennis better than you! And when he loses, he doesn't spit fireballs at everyone on the court.

GODZILLA: Yeah, but can he flatten cities in thirty seconds flat?
BARBIE: No. He wouldn't even if he could. He's sweet and nice and sensitive.
GODZILLA: Right. And he unzips his fly with his teeth.
BARBIE: That's not his fault. You're the one who ate his arms.
GODZILLA: Only because he was flailing them at me.

BARBIE: What did you expect him to do? You were chasing him around the lanai, making your dumb EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh noise and zapping him with your eye-rays.

GODZILLA: Gimme a break. I do that to everybody. King Kong, Mechagodzilla, the Smog Monster. They don't flail their arms and whine, `Don't eat me! Don't eat me!' And frankly, the thought wouldn't have occurred to me if Ken hadn't brought it up.

BARBIE: And what did he do to deserve it? He brought over a cheese ball!
GODZILLA: Listen, babe. If Ken had brought a cheese ball to King Kong's house, he'd have lost more than his arms. If you ask me, the guy was lucky to leave with his ridiculously overmoussed head. EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh!

BARBIE: Oh, put a cork in it. I'm sick to death of that incessant mutant-reptilian caterwauling.

GODZILLA (hurt): I can't believe you said that. That just so happens to be my trademark Godzilla roar. You don't keep house with Godzilla and tell him not to do his trademark roar. That's like Jane telling Tarzan not to do his jungle yell, or Rodney Dangerfield's girlfriend ordering him to stop complaining about how he gets no respect. Well, I'm Godzilla, and I'm gonna do my trademark Godzilla roar! EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh! EEEeee-YEEEEeee-Yaahhh!

BARBIE: That's it. As soon as I finish my nails and call my palimony lawyer, I'm leaving you. I can't take it anymore.

GODZILLA: Good! Go ahead! Leave! I'll call you a cab!
BARBIE: What are you talking about? I've got my new Malibu Barbie Sports Car.

GODZILLA: Well, toots, you had a new Malibu Barbie Sports Car. When I came home and saw it in the driveway, I . . . I . . . I couldn't help myself.

BARBIE (stunned): You stomped it?
GODZILLA: Sorry, babe. It's in my blood. A giant radioactive lizard's gotta do what a giant radioactive lizard's gotta do. "What about my frustrations? Do you think it's easy having a giant radioactive lizard for a boyfriend?"

"Oh, put a cork in it. I'm sick to death of that incessant mutant-reptilian caterwauling."

BACK IN THE USSR THIN WHITE ROPE CONQUER... v4-25-90

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Michael Burkett