The Don Juan we'll call Mr. X wasn't just torn between two lovers--he was ripped.

Parked in one corner of his heart was the fiercely independent "Dominique," a vain shrew cursed by bad dentistry and even worse boudoir techniques.

In another corner lounged the beautiful "Brenda," a syphilitic yuppie who just happened to have a husband and kid.

What's a guy to do?
As the lovelorn Lothario pondered the problem during an airplane trip in April, he came up with the answer. Mr. X poured out his soul on an accounting spreadsheet, profiling his paramours (names have been changed on the remote chance that the real women could be identified--and litigious) in a pro-and-con style that left no physical blemish or personality flaw unaccounted for. The lists also betray Mr. X's weakness for spelling (see "Psyphillus") along with what can be charitably termed a warped sense of priorities (Point No. 9 against "Brenda": "She's Married").

Then, having committed his most intimate thoughts to paper, the analytic two-timer apparently left the list on the airplane.

Thanks to another Air Reno passenger who was looking for something to read, copies of that steamy spreadsheet are now a hot topic of conversation on the office-water-cooler circuit throughout the Southwest.

"When I realized what I was looking at, I was in absolute hysterics," says Lindy Thurell, a Huntington Beach, California, businesswoman who found the spreadsheet in a magazine pocket during a Reno-to-L.A. flight in late April. "I was laughing so hard that my children wanted to know what Mommy thought was so funny."
Thurell was so tickled with her find that she eventually sent copies to a number of friends and associates, including the director of the Academy of Radio and TV Broadcasting, a Phoenix business owned by Thurell and her husband. (Through the Academy, Thurell supplied New Times with the original spreadsheet reproduced here.)

But could the smarmy spreadsheet be a hoax? Although it's impossible to tell with absolute certainty, most people who've seen the list agree that it's far too pathetic to be anything but the real thing. (The only clues to Mr. X's identity are notes scrawled on the back of the page suggesting that he does computer work in Southern California.)

"Whoever he is, this guy is truly a loser," opines Thurell. "And so is anyone else who'd have anything to do with him. These people deserve each other."
But do they really? "Dominique" or "Brenda"--the choice is yours! (See coupon on this page; results to be published in a future issue.)

@body: 1) more supportive
2) beautiful
3) great body
4) great Mom
5) Wealthy
6) Self-sufficient
7) Takes care of my needs
8) Exciting new relationship
9) She would love and support me
10) Beautiful Eyes
11) Sexually excites me
12) Nice Cars
13) Content that she's being taken care of
14) Good sense of humor
15) I love her

@body: 1) familiar
2) predictable
3) I love her
4) communicative
5) sim. values
6) good body
7) pretty enough
8) cute mannerisms
9) makes potentially good/great $
10) Strong
11) Independent
12) pretty good athelete
13) doesn't spend $ out of control
14) Single
15) Available
16) likes to travel
17) likes beauty/nature
18) Quests for improvement

@body: 1) Catholic
2) Questionable Sex?
3) Perhaps I won't get attention I need because she's busy w/ children?
4) Strange mouth
5) Potential to get Fat?
6) Psyphillus in vagina
7) Must always use condom
8) How do you get pregnant?
9) She's Married
10) Has child
11) Must go through divorse
12) Might be a faire athelete?
13) Maybe doesn't like to travel?
14) Maybe doesn't appreciate nature?
15) Possibly pretentous?
16) Too Yuppyish
17) Too Spoiled
18) Fair kisser
19) Hard boobs
20) Maybe someday I get psyphillus?
21) No quest to improve place w/ God/Self
22) Maybe not smart enough to challenge me

@body: 1) terrible sex
2) Maybe not good Mom
3) Potentially shaming to kids/me
4) Messy @ times
5) Selfish
6) Not supportive
7) Vain
8) inconsiderate
9) Perhaps to independent and doesn't like home life
10) Chipping teeth
11) Cuts me down

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Dewey Webb