Making Babies

I have a stupid, unemployed, 16-year-old gang-bangin' cousin who already dropped out of school, and I'm pretty sure most Mexicans are related to somebody who fits that description. About eight months ago, he knocked up a girl around his age, so last week I was dragged to their extremely festive baby shower. All my relatives were so happy for them; everyone acted like they were relieved he was having a kid. What the hell is wrong with these retards!? Can't they see that those two might not be qualified parents?
Perplexed Teen

Dear Wab:
You can thank la Guadalupana that you have just one idiot teen primo; I have muchos (Hola, Omar y José Alfredo!). And, as you correctly surmise, we're not alone. A 2004 study by the Washington, D.C.-based Population Resource Center found that there were 94.5 births per 1,000 Mexican girls between the ages of 15 and 19 in the United States, more than double the national average of 43 births per 1,000 women for the same age group. Latina magazine calls this an "epidemic"; Mexicans call it the lottery.

Illegal immigrant relatives can use the American-born kid as the first step on the path to citizenship; legalized Mexicans reap the benefits of government programs for poor parents and tax breaks so that raising their kids costs next to nada. But before you join the Minutemen to stop this fleecing of American taxpayers, gabachos, consider: With your birthrates falling precipitously, every newborn Mexican ensures that you and your parents can leech off social security for a couple of years longer — and by the time those Mexican kids reach 65, they'll be caca out of luck.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gustavo Arellano
Contact: Gustavo Arellano