"Oh my God. Girl, those shoes with that dress?"

Charges: Failure to appear, obstructing a public thoroughfare

For a second, we were expecting the "after" picture and a Rogaine advertisement, but this guy's just disappointed in himself. Still a great candidate for Bosley Medical Hair Restoration, though.

Charge: Probation violation

"Black Cholo," huh? By the way, the Dodgers suck.

Charges: Burglary, theft, failure to appear

We'll tell you this woman's name is Donna, which means she probably drives a bitchin' Camaro. Also, people have won small lottery prizes and looked way less excited than Donna is to be in jail.

Charges: Possession of a weapon by a prohibited person, dangerous-drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia

"Wow, that's actually really cool," zero people said.

Charge: Aggravated DUI

"Try me." Is that like, "Try to mess with me," or more like, "Hey baby, come suck on this mustache tattoo I have"? Either way, "No, thank you" is the correct response.

Charge: Shoplifting
At the tattoo parlor: "OK, I want this design to start on my nose, and go across my eye -- that's probably gonna be pretty badass. You know what? Screw it, when you're done what that, just draw on my face like a 5-year-old with a Sharpie."

Charge: Criminal trespassing

Google Images search: "Man trying to hold in sneeze while giving an apprehensive look." First result.

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Charges: Driving with a suspended license, reckless driving, failure to appear

"Society? Yeah, I gave up on that back in the '80s." You can actually tell he got these tattoos knowing he was going to look like a clown, as the tattoo around his collar undoubtedly says, "Fuck what you think."