Tried earlier this year for pruning her spouse's privates with a carving knife, Lorena Bobbitt was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
But thanks to a just-released porno docudrama inspired by the case, it's husband John Wayne Bobbitt who's not exactly playing with, ahem, a full dick.
"Now, for the first time, you can see John Wayne Bobbitt in all his glory . . . uncensored and, most importantly, uncut!" So gushes advertising copy for John Wayne Bobbitt--Uncut, an XXX-rated video in which the real John Bobbitt graphically demonstrates his postoperative sexual prowess.
Bobbitt reportedly earned $1 million for starring in the heavily hyped quickie, produced several months ago by the San Fernando Valley-based Leisure Time Communications and released last week. Even before shooting began, the Bobbitt porno flick received more mainstream attention than any adult movie in recent memory. Non-hard-core clips from the epic have even appeared on national television, including CNN.
Because of anticipated high interest in the Valley, Castle Boutique--a chain of adult novelty stores with four local outlets--stocked 100 copies of the $69.99 opus, more than any other single title in the chain's history. The previous recordholder? A video starring fellow headline grabbers Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly in a hard-core documentary of their honeymoon.
No big surprise, then, that the anatomically noteworthy Bobbitt was approached to strut his stuff in a porn pic. As the 27-year-old tabloid-television icon ruefully remarks in his video, "Ever since this whole thing started, all everyone ever wants to see is my penis."
But was the genitally challenged ex-Marine up for the task?
Judging from all available evidence in Uncut, the answer is yes--and no. Although this raunchy production doesn't come close to living up to its prerelease hoopla, the frequently hilarious curio certainly lends new meaning to the phrase "whack-off movie."
The production's staggeringly cheesy tone is immediately established during an early sequence, a flashback set seven years in the past. Young Bobbitt is sitting in a bar when he falls head over heels in love with a blimp-breasted brunette who looks as though she might be cooling her heels while exterminators delouse the local bordello. So when does Lorena enter the picture and rescue him from this hussy? Hang on to your raincoats, folks--the trampy barfly is actually supposed to be Lorena!
The filmmakers waste little time in cutting to the chase. After an anachronistic, whirlwind courtship (although it's supposed to be 1987, the lovebirds attend a matinee of the prophetically titled Blankman, a comedy released just a few months ago), the battling Bobbitts are soon at each other's throats--and points south. Especially after the man of the house--fresh from a strip show starring one Lethal Weapons--staggers home drunk at 3 a.m. and takes his wife by force.
"I hate chew! I hate chew!" spews the sexually and linguistically frustrated Lorena, grabbing a convenient bedside butcher knife. "Chew have orgasm and what do I have? Nuttin'!"
Not for long, she doesn't.
Mercifully, her topless tirade's bloody climax takes place off-screen. But viewers are not spared the immediate aftermath, as she drives through the night brandishing the severed organ as though she'd just cruised through Der Wienerschnitzel.
After tossing her "trophy" out the car window at a drunk lying in a field, the repentant Lorena addresses the camera. "I tell da police where I trew da penis. Dat was the lease I could do."
"I was pretty worried at first," confesses her husband, whose manhood was restored during a nine-and-a-half-hour operation not depicted in the video. "I didn't know if I'd ever be able to--well, you know. Then an interesting thing happened when I was in the hospital. . . ."
Cut to an orgy in the recovery room, where viewers finally get their first peek at the video's real star, Bobbitt's reconstructed member. But the most eagerly awaited debut in porno turns out to be strangely anticlimactic. Except for a slightly swollen and discolored midshaft, the world's most celebrated organ seems virtually indistinguishable from thousands of others that have come before, an observation that also applies to the video in which it appears.
While it's impossible to know whether Bobbitt experienced a physiological problem or simply suffered from stage fright, the novice porn stud's belabored sexual calisthenics suggest he's unlikely to blow away the competition. When he finally does deliver the goods, you can almost hear off-camera crew members high-fiving each other and screaming, "Yes!"
With its reattached penis and glut of artificially enhanced bustlines, John Wayne Bobbitt--Uncut is ultimately more a testament to the miracles of modern surgery than it is a landmark achievement in erotica. Call it "Kama Suture.
