Feathered Bastard

Racist bike gang descends on Biltmore's Borders Books next Saturday for Joe Arpaio event.

A flier for U.S.A.'s upcoming supremacist shindig: Regarding the dress code, we hear white sheets are optional.

Next Saturday afternoon should be a pretty rowdy one in Phoenix's tony Biltmore Fashion Park. Not only will Sheriff Joe be appearing at the Borders Books there to promote his latest work of fiction, the prevarication-friendly Joe's Law, wherein Joe claims he's being hunted by the Minutemen and the Mexican mafia, that he helped break the French Connection, that he once almost ticketed Elvis, yadda-yadda-yadda. In addition, Joe's presence will bolstered by the racist bike gang Riders U.S.A., the bike club arm of Rusty Childress' United for a Sovereign America, the most vicious anti-immigrant hate-group in the Valley.

As you can see from the flier above, U.S.A. is organizing a prejudice picnic for Saturday the 26th, nearby the state Capitol. Folks will have to pay the pay-triots $15 the day of the event to garner entry, a free lunch, the chance to converse with other knuckledraggers (snorts and grunts are preferred), and the opportunity to listen to the likes of Don "Goofy" Goldwater bloviate. So far, he's the only confirmed speaker. Don, nephew of the late, great Sen. Barry Goldwater, continues to prove that his apple fell far, faaar away from the family tree, most recently by heading up two anti-immigrant initiatives L.A.W. and S.O.L.E., both of which failed to obtain enough sigs to reach ballot-hood despite a year's effort. Wow! And people get to pay $15 so they can listen to this idiot attempt to spit out the marbles in his mouth? Be still my thumping heart!

Why is U.S.A. charging people to attend a rally? Are times really that tough, fellas? Or is this a fundraiser to cover Buffalo Rick Galeener's legal bills? As regular readers of this blog know, Buffalo is currently contesting a misdemeanor charge of public urination stemming from an incident in March where he allegedly took an al fresco whiz in front of a woman's home, nearby the Macehualli Work Center in north Phoenix. Whatever the money's for, Buffalo weenie is apparently organizing the event, which is to start off at Wesley Bolin Plaza, downtown in front of the Capitol, and from there, journey to a "special surprise" picnic area.

Following the picnic and all the fun to be had staring at a fire truck obtained for the wingding -- not to mention the countless "beaner" jokes these anti-brown clowns will undoubtedly be swapping -- this tatterdemalion brigade of bigots will then ride their motorbikes down to the swank Biltmore area, where they will descend on Sheriff Joe's book signing at the Borders Books in the Fashion Park there. If this doesn't sound like an episode from The Beverly Hillbillies, with ex-KIA peddler Rusty "Crusty" Childress playing the part of Jethro Bodine, I don't know what does.

Talk about country come to town, I doubt any of these snaggletoothed supremacists spend a lot of time perusing the latest from the world of publishing any more than they sit around sipping tea with extended pinkies as they discuss Marcel Proust. Well, I take that back, XXXL sensual masseuse Brandy Baron is fairly well-read. She can quote the Marquis de Sade and Thomas Carlyle, and sees it in her enlightened self-interest to advocate for the legalization of prostitution. (Can't wonder why.) Aside from her, the smartest people in the U.S.A. group (relatively speaking, it's like the difference between a spider monkey and a gorilla) tend to be neo-Nazis, whether we're talking about erstwhile U.S.A.-er J.T. Ready or geriatric goosestepper Elton Hall. The remainder of the lot looks like they're barely lettered.

So anticipate Borders to resemble an old-folks home for Hells Angels rejects that day, with white trash in their do-rags and leather vests, likely reeking of Pall Malls and beer suds and spoiling for a fight. Most of the nativists are armed for no good reason other than they aim to intimidate. (Why else would you need a sidearm at a bookstore?) In other words, don't expect the genteel, literate atmosphere that reigns on the days when Joe's not around.

Borders GM Mark Panza told me that he had been made aware of the fact that the nativists are coming by the Phoenix Police Department, and that the store's taking all appropriate precautions, though he declined to give any details.

"What I can assure you is that we do take very seriously the safety of our customers and our employees and anyone who appears at our events," said Panza. "And I can assure you proper measures will be in place."

Maybe, but there will likely be people there protesting Joe as well, presenting a possible shooting gallery for the very well-armed wing-nuts. And what about the average Borders patron? Why would you want to be anywhere near this store on the 26th, with all of the protesting, the shouting matches and an entire afternoon of hate to unfold?

But, of course, you know I'll be there. I wouldn't miss this freak show for all the Rice-A-Roni in San Francisco.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons