Scottsdale Now Has 8 Employees Reading Your Yelp Reviews

A classic Scottsdale Yelp review.
A classic Scottsdale Yelp review. Screenshot/Yelp
Writing a Yelp review is maybe one step up from screaming into the void.

Once in a while, you'll get comped a free meal from a restaurant that gave you food poisoning. But the rest of the time, it's safe to assume that no one is reading (or responding to) your 1,600-word screed about the length of the lines at the post office or the subpar treatment that you got that time you were picked up on drunk driving charges and booked into jail.

Unless you live in Scottsdale, that is. The city announced Tuesday that it's claimed more than 80 listings for city-run facilities like parks and libraries, and will be responding to reviews and messages left by users.

In theory, this allows the city to gather useful data like, say, which dog parks are most popular at what time of day. It's also supposed to ensure that someone gets alerted about issues like unclean bathrooms and broken water fountains.

In reality, we feel sorry for the eight city employees who've been assigned to the task.

Here's a selection of what they have to look forward to:

Scottsdale Public Library, Civic Center Branch:
"Lots of porn being watched/pictures being looked at on computers; some men I saw masturbating. I'm all for freedom and non-censorship in the library, but it made me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and made me worry about kids sitting nearby."

Old Town Scottsdale:
"Here's where you can buy 'authentic' Native American arrows, cactus-shaped light switch covers, or rusted over door-knockers and hinges for that rustic look on your new McMansion."

Scottsdale Waterfront:
"Come on now, let's call a turd a turd on this one. Waterfront is a stretch. It's a canal, a stinking fucking canal."

Scottsdale Police Department:
"They're the real criminals. Puppets of an evil machine."

Arabian Library:
"It's a pretty library, clean, friendly staff and it doesn't smell like piss in a way that 98% of the libraries that I visited in my lifetime do."

Horizon Dog Park:
"Matt Damon frequents this dog park with his dog, Jack, when he is in town. Leave the man alone."

Scottsdale Sports Complex:
"These snobs who live in North Scottsdale are pathetic and immature and think they are above the law. This is a soccer complex, so put your ugly dog on a leash and pick up your crap or maybe I will come over to your yard and drop a load right there too."

El Dorado Pool:
"Some of the women in the Water Aerobics classes or in the Aches Away classes have been going here since 1991 and think they own the pool. You know who you are, you mean, catty old biddies!!"

City of Scottsdale:
"I moved back after 8 years away and it's even more overcrowded with East Coast, uptight, rude, pushy, amped-out jerks.... I call it the least happy city in America. I highly recommend watching, via the internet, any local news to see what how much crime and negativity there is there. The nonstop TV commercials for ambulance chasers, loan sharks and life insurance says it all. The vibe in the greater Phoenix area is terrible."
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Antonia Noori Farzan is a staff writer at New Times and an honors graduate of Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism. Before moving to Arizona, she worked for the New Times Broward-Palm Beach.