Feathered Bastard

Sean Hannity, Oliver North, Charlie Daniels and Assorted Redneck Musicians Invade Glendale

A dental student's worst nightmare. That's what you can expect come August in Glendale as a snaggle-toothed horde of trailer park refugees descends on the Jobing.com Arena for Freedom Concert '09, a benefit show sponsored by Fox News wing-nut poster boy Sean Hannity and Phoenix's official Republiloon radio station KFYI 550 AM.

Think of it as cross between the Grand Ole Opry and the Taliban wing of the GOP, with bearded anti-immigrant yahoo Charlie Daniels, Lee "Proud to be an Amer-i-cun" Greenwood, Billy Ray Cyrus -- father of jailbait poptart Miley Cyrus, Jesus freak pretty-boy Michael W. Smith, and document-shredding Iran-Contra scandalista Oliver North. Just how the disgraced former Marine'll be contributing to this musical smorgasbord is a mystery. Will he sing backup when the band strikes up Dixie? Play the medals on his shirt like a glockenspiel? Or both?

In my mind's eye, I see an updated, country-music version of Triumph of the Will. The only local event further to the right that's taken place recently was that skinhead Oi Fest in Tonopah this past September. However, I don't expect an overlap in fans. The Nascar set and the boot boys don't necessarily mix well, despite their many common goals.

Actually, the moonhowler love-in will be raising money for the Freedom Alliance, "an organization that provides scholarships to the
children of servicemen and women who have lost their lives in the line of duty." Granted, on its face, that sounds like a good cause. And if you act now, the Jobing.com Arena's Web site promises a package that includes a Freedom Alliance calendar, a classy American flag coffee mug, a tin of Skoal in the shape of the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard, and an Old Spice soap-on-a-rope carved in the image of Charlie Daniels' hirsute mug.

Okay, those last two are jokes. But you have to admit, the idea of the soap's kinda titillating...That beard of Charlie's has got to tickle.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons