Bonzo Jr. Goes to the Babysitter's:
Yet Another Compelling True-Life Sci-Fi Docu-Drama in Two Acts
(The curtain rises. A five-year-old boy and his father are driving to the babysitter's house.)
Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but I don't wanna go to the babysitter's! I wanna stay home! WHAAAAAAAAAA!
Father: Son, sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do. Your mother and I don't want to work today, but we have to. You don't want to go to the babysitter's today, but you have to. I'm sorry.
Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . I wanna stay home and play with my toys!
Father: Honey, there are lots of toys at the babysitter's. And you're wearing your Ghostbusters Proton Pack.
Boy: I don't like those toys! I don't like my Proton Pack! Dad, you're the meanest person in the world!
(The boy hits his father. The father stops the car. There is a brief flurry of action. The trip resumes.)
Father: The next time you do that, I'll really give you something to cry about! Now, you're going to the babysitter's whether you want to or not! So adapt!
Boy: What's "adapt" mean?
Father: It means "Get used to the idea." Cope with it. Deal with it. Handle it. (Pause.) I don't know what your problem is. You like your babysitter.
Boy: No I don't. She's the meanest person in the world.
Father: I thought I was the meanest person in the world.
Boy: You're both the meanest person in the world. And Mommy is, too.
Father: Meaner than Darth Vader?
Boy: Daaaaad, Darth Vader isn't on this world. He's in outer space.
Father (attempting to cheer the lad): Uh-oh. Watch out. You're gonna laugh! I can tell! You're gonna laugh! Here it comes . . . it's coming . . . you're gonna laugh!
MD120 Col 1, Depth P54.07 I9.10 Boy (laughing): Dad . . . don't!
Father: See? You're laughing! I knew it! Uh-oh. You're going to laugh again!
Boy (still laughing): DAD . . . DON'T DO THAT!
(The boy hits his father. The father stops the car. There is another brief flurry of action. The trip resumes.)
Father: I warned you!
Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . Father: I know! You don't want to go to the babysitter's! If you want to cry and whine about it, fine! Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Just cry and whine quietly.
Boy (quietly): . . . waaaaaaaaaah . . . (Pause.) Dad? You know that picture I made for you? The one of the ostrich?
Father: Yes. It's a very nice picture. I'm going to hang it in my office.
Boy: I didn't really make it for you. I made it for Mommy.
Boy: Let's go home so I can give it to Mommy.
Father: We're not going home. Besides, Mommy's at work. Pretty soon I'll be at work. And you'll be at the babysitter's!
Father (stopping the car): Son, listen. I love you very, very much, and I wish you didn't have to go to the babysitter's. But if you didn't, you'd be all alone at home with no one to take care of you. Would you like that?
Father: Tough. What if you hurt yourself? There wouldn't be anyone there to help you.
Boy: I wouldn't hurt myself, Dad! I promise! I'd sit very still until you come home! I'll just pretend like I'm dead.
Father: I'm sure you would. Even so, we can't take any chances.
Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . (The car pulls into the babysitter's driveway.)
Father: Here we are!
Boy: WHAAAAAAAAAA! I WANNA GO HOME! DON'T WANNA GO IN! I DON'T WANNA GO IN! I DON'T WANNA . . . Babysitter: Hi, Bonzo! Guess who's here today! Your little friend Justin!
Justin: Hi, Bonzo! Look what I've got! A new Proton Pack, just like yours! Wanna play Ghostbusters?
Boy (scrambling out of the car): Sure, Justin! Oh, boy! You can be Slimer and I'll be Peter Venkman! Or do you wanna to be Peter Venkman? Wow! You even have a ghost trap! I gotta remember to put a ghost trap on my Christmas list . . . Act II
(Later that day.)
Babysitter: Bonzo! Your father's here! It's time to go home!
Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . (Blackout. Curtain.)
If you want to cry and whine about it, fine! Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Just cry and whine quietly.