The Creme De La Crud

WORST LINES "You wear your angst like a breakaway chastity belt." Anthony Perkins to Kathleen Turner in Crimes of Passion.

"I once beat mah haid on the barn door I wuz so lonely fer you." Kelly McGillis to her backwoods beau in Winter People.

"It was good, but not that good." Chevy Chase after waking up next to his lover's freshly murdered corpse in Fletch Lives.

"He was already dead when he stumbled into the road." A doctor giving this diagnosis of a hit-and-run victim in Children of the Corn. WORST JOKE

In Three Amigos, comedy lovers were treated to this exchange between Martin Short and Chevy Chase. "Look! A mail plane!""How can you tell it's a mail plane?""Didn't you notice its little balls?"

WORST SIGHT GAG Caddyshack's Baby Ruth-in-the-pool scene.

WORST MARITAL AID Pia Zadora's garden sprinkler in The Lonely Lady.

WORST SCENE IN WHICH A STARLET WAS GRATUITOUSLY CLOTHED The Lonely Lady. Pia was naked throughoutexcept when she took a shower.

WORST CASTING Richard Gere as the Bible's King David.
Al Pacino as a Scottish fur trapper in the American Revolution.
Sean Connery and Dustin Hoffman as father and son in Family Business.
Diane Keaton as an espionage agent in The Little Drummer Girl.

WORST CHARACTER MOTIVATION In Runaway Train, evil prison warden John Ryan wants to kill two escapees who are trapped on a runaway train that's about to crash. So Ryan has himself dropped on the locomotive via helicopter so he can shoot his prey before they all die in the wreck.

WORST LIES "There will not be a Rocky V," swore Sylvester Stallone, now at work on Rocky V.

Friday the 13thThe Final Chapter.

WORST KIDFLICKS Santa Claus: The Movie, which opens with the death of Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Return to Oz, which opens with Dorothy being prepped for electroshock therapy.

WORST VILLAIN Ted Turner. After taking over MGM in 1985 and promising to make more movies like Gone With the Wind, Turner dismantled the studio and auctioned off everything but its library, which he colorized.

TWENTY MORE GOOD, SOLID REASONS WE ALL SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME Judd Nelson, high concepts, Dan Aykroyd, the Brat Pack, imitation butter-flavored popcorn, 3-D (again!), Bo Derek, fish-out-of-water plots, Chuck Norris, Brooke Shields, Steven Above the Law Segal, Kirk Douglas' nude buttocks in Saturn 3, Charles Bronson's topless love scene in Death Wish III, ninjas, John Candy, commercials before the movie, commercials in the movie, stupid ushers, $6 admissions, movies with the word "academy" in their titles.

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Michael Burkett