So Arizona Attorney General Tom "Hit-and-Run" Horne's got a Cuban cougar on the taxpayer's payroll with whom he can enjoy a little afternoon delight, if he so desires.
He rocks a gold Jag, and allegedly breaks campaign finance laws with impunity (so far).
And even after a year of pickin' through his trash, the FBI ended up with bupkis.
In other words, Horne is a goofy, balding version of Dos Equis' "The Most Interesting Man in the World."
He's got it goin' on, G. Sure, he'll never be governor, just like Larry Flynt will never be president. But for the next couple of years, at least, he can party like a rock star, all while being financed by you dumb schmucks.
Which is why Horne shouldn't be hiding beneath a baseball cap as he hooks up with Carmen Chenal for a nosh at Pita Jungle and a little lovin'.
Hell, no. This playa should be rockin' his own line of trucker hats, pimpin' vodka like P. Diddy, and datin' a Kardashian like Kanye West.
If the Kardashians have a grandma, that is.
In that vein, here are the top ten Tom Horne trucker hat slogans, sponsored by the Arizona Republican Party, Viagra, and Brut by Faberge. A portion of all sales will go to benefit the Tom Horne Home for Washed Up Chick Lawyers.
10) Eatin' falafel keeps my pimp hand strong.
9) Hey, I just like Pita Jungle. No, really.*
8) I don't brake for FBI agents.
7) Stick with me, shorty, I'll make you assistant AG.
6) Cubans smoke in bed.
5) I Chenal-ed ethnic studies.
4) Resign? What do I look like, a Democrat?
3) I'll coordinate your pants off, baby.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
2) Real AGs bump uglies, not SUVs.
And the number one Tom Horne trucker hat slogan (drum roll)....
1) AG's do it Horne-doggy-style.
*Suggested by the Irish wolfhound of Arizona election law, Tom Ryan.