Trent Franks Reinserts Foot-in-Mouth Over Wing-Nut Birther Insanity

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

From Dave Weigel of The Washington Independent: Watch Franks touch his tonsils with his big toe for the camera while kinda-sorta disavowing birtherism...

Allow me to be the first to call on Congressman Trent Franks of Arizona to prove his U.S. citizenship -- and citizenship in the human race -- by presenting his original, long-form birth certificate, in triplicate, complete with some infant tootsie prints, and any blood samples extant from a cousin thrice removed, verified with DNA tests and Carbon 14 dating.

Otherwise, Franks could be a changeling, an alien mutant from the planet Uranus, or just plain ol' adopted from some nice couple in the Urals. He's even been rumored to be Robert Mitchum's secret half-brother, birthed on one of the Galapagos Islands, while Mitchum's father was at sea. But, hey, the long form could disprove all that. So let's see it, Congressman. What are you hiding? 

Could some alternate birth origin be the reason Franks acts so dang un-American in the above video: i.e., questioning the motives of our Commander in Chief, suggesting that our duly-elected President -- the Leader of the Free World -- is acting counter to the interests of these United States? I wouldn't dare call it treason. No, no. Rather, I'd just call it gross stupidity, crossed with being a congenital right-wing wacko.

And then, there's this Franksian quote:

"Probably, Barack Obama could solve this problem and make the birthers, you know, back off, by simply showing us his long-form birth certificate. That'd solve the problem. There's some other issue, I don't know what it is, that he doesn't want people to see the birth certificate on."

Back in days of yore, we'd bar an idgit like this from the gene pool. Or any other pool, for that matter. (Fungus, you know.) But now that World Nut Daily thinks Franks is the coolest thing since Silvio Berlusconi learned to spout racial humor, folks in Arizona's 2nd Congressional District are proud to have him as one of their own.

Plus what better way to prove once and for all to the federal government that there's something wrong with the municipal drinking water in Kingman? (Maybe fluoridation, if we're to believe the John Birchers still kickin'?) Unconfirmed scuttlebutt is, Franks has lead-lined jugs of local H20 specially flown in to D.C. to aid in his own personal hygiene.

Alas, poor Trent...take some advice from the greatest of all Republicans, Honest Abe Lincoln, who was supposed to have said something about not opening your trap and removing all doubt of your abolute chumposity...Which you continue to do, over and over.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.