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UP THE FIFE STAIRCASE

By now, everyone knows that Governor J. Fife Symington III has legislative approval to remodel his offices, which inhabit the top two floors of the state's Executive Tower. The $1.7 million project has drawn criticism from the usual suspects--particularly the media--who are complaining that the rehab is far too lavish, given the budget-cutting climate fostered by the governor's own Republican party. In particular, the critics have derided a new spiral staircase that supposedly will connect the Executive Tower's two refurbished floors.

Initial response to the press furor was--unfortunately but typically--inept and paranoid. Documents were withheld. Comments were vague. Reporters were badgered. In fact, the governor's PR people refused to release any details of the project at all--only heightening the rumors of regal extravagance and arrogant waste.

At last, a source on Symington's staff has come to his senses and contacted New Times. Here's the real remodeling plan for the Governor's Office. And here's why the project will be worth every penny it costs--and more.

0) Entire office wired for gaming!
1) Cindy McCain guest suite.
1a) Armoire full of Percocet.
2) Fife for President fund-raising office.
2a) Fife for Veep research center.
2b) Fife for Cabinet study room.
3) Closet full of Freon.
4) Annette's dresser.
4a) Tunnel to Ritz-Carlton.
5) Esplanade shredding room.
6) Shrine to Phil Gramm.
7) Torture chamber for Basha supporters.
7a) Rick DeGraw bed of nails.
8) Militia lounge.
9) Direct Batphone to George Leckie.
10) Mercado shredding room.
11) Albinism Institute.
12) Grant Woods dartboard.
12a) Curare-tipped darts.
13) Throne.
13a) Closet for crown, robe, scepter.
14) Republic headquarters. 14a) Really big desk for John Kolbe.
14b) Direct Batphone to Chip.
15) Office of Lying.
16) Freezer full of bald eagles.
17) Direct Batphone to God.
18) Project SLIM shredding room.
19) Safe full of money JFS should not have.
20) Closet full of smoke, mirrors.
21) Department of Denial.
22) Terry Goddard's testicles.
23) Spiral stairway to heaven.
24) Rec room for DPS security detail.

24a) Condom dispenser cleverly disguised to look like slot machine confiscated from Indian reservation!

25) Bookcase full of Goldwater Institute position papers written by JFS staff.
26) Boxing ring for C. Diane and Dick.
27) Veggie safe house.
28) Putting green.
29) School-voucher vending machine.
30) Voodoo dolls named Sue.
31) Mexican wolfskin rugs.
32) Day room.
33) Day of reckoning room.
34) Brick wall.
35) Day-care center/Jay Heiler's office.
36) Laboratory of National Flat-Earth Studies.
37) Direct Batphone to John Dowd.
37a) Safety earplugs for Dowd conversations.

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John Mecklin
Amy Silverman is a two-time winner of the Arizona Press Club’s Journalist of the Year award. Her work has appeared on the radio show This American Life and in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Lenny Letter, and Brain, Child. She’s the co-curator of the live reading series Bar Flies, and a commentator for KJZZ, the NPR affiliate in Phoenix. Silverman is the author of the book My Heart Can’t Even Believe It: A Story of Science, Love, and Down Syndrome (Woodbine House 2016). Follow her on Instagram (@amysilverman), Twitter (@amysilvermanaz), and at amy-silverman.com.