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White House Responds to Secession Petitions, Explains How America Works

Although the meaningless online petition begging the federal government to let Arizona secede didn't even get enough signatures to warrant a response, eight other states' petitions did.

To paraphrase the White House employee who responded to the petitions, "No."

See also:
-Arizona Secession Movement Can't Even Gather Enough Support on Meaningless Online Petition
-Obama Haters Are So Upset That They're Asking the White House to Let Arizona Secede
-Attention Arizona Secessionists: Some Considerations for Your Brilliant Plan
-Best Reader-Submitted Name for Arizona's (Imaginary) New Government?

The eight states that did get a response, perhaps unsurprisingly, were all unsuccessful in their last secession attempt -- South Carolina, North Carolina, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, Texas, and Louisiana.

The petition to "Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America" also received enough signatures, and was grouped in on the response.

The response from "Director of the Office of Public Engagement" Jon Carson isn't anything groundbreaking, but more of a (deservedly) condescending explanation of how America works.

"Our founding fathers established the Constitution of the United States 'in order to form a more perfect union' through the hard and frustrating but necessary work of self-government," Carson wrote, with what we're guessing was one of the smuggest grins in American history. "They enshrined in that document the right to change our national government through the power of the ballot -- a right that generations of Americans have fought to secure for all. But they did not provide a right to walk away from it."

Carson explains all this stuff like Abraham Lincoln, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, and other relevant things that certainly won't appease your neighbor with the "Don't tread on me!" and "I Don't Believe the Liberal Media!" bumper stickers, who seems to be operating under the sincere belief that President Obama has personally ruined his life.

Although Arizona didn't get enough signatures to join the response, the response is an indication that new government of Arizona -- which New Times readers decided would be named the "Republikkk of Dumbfuckistan" -- won't be happening.

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