* A FANTASTIC MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE SURPRISE THAT WE'RE ALMOST CERTAIN YOU'LL BE PROUD TO OWN! AND WE'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT IT IS AS SOON AS SOMEONE DONATES IT TO US!
* A PHONE CALL FROM MR. DAD ZONE HIMSELF, MICHAEL BURKETT, WITHIN MINUTES OF THE BABY'S BIRTH, PROCLAIMING YOU THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER!
* THE THRILL OF KNOWING THAT YOU NAMED THE CHILD OF PEOPLE YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET!
* A FREE ISSUE OF NEW TIMES EVERY WEEK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (in newsracks at better convenience stores around the Valley; subject to availability)!
Just follow the simple rules below, fill out and mail the official entry form. If your entry is selected, YOU WIN! It's that simple!
OFFICIAL RULES 1) No purchase necessary. Enter as often as you like, but don't make a pest of yourself, okay? The Fantastic Mystery Grand Prize Surprise isn't likely to be all that fantastic.
2) On an official entry blank, a plain three- by five-inch piece of paper, in the margin of a $100 bill, or even better, on the back of Abraham Lincoln's original draft of the Gettysburg Address, handprint your name, address, zip code, telephone number and suggested first and middle names for a boy and/or girl.
3) The sweepstakes is open to all legal residents of the U.S. and Puerto Rico, except employees of New Times and its affiliates, and the parents of Sigourney Weaver, Acquanetta Ross, Alfalfa Switzer, Shemp Howard, Vada Manager, Dweezil and Moon Unit Zappa, Jim-Babe Earnhardt, Whoopi Goldberg, Sabu the Tiger Boy, and Fife Symington.
4) All entries must be received by March 23, 1990, one week prior to the baby's due date. Entries which are illegible, incomplete, stained or soggy are void. Ditto those containing the names "Matthew" (the Burketts already have one of those), "Audrey" (their cat), "Buddy" (their dog), and "Bigfoot" (which their son has already suggested).
5) All entries become the property of New Times because the motto here is, "There's no such thing as too much scratch paper."
6) Winner will be arbitrarily selected on the basis of unoriginality, sound and potential nicknames.
7) Chances of winning depend on the number of qualified entries received. If there are no qualified entries, it'll take a major load off Burkett's mind. If more than one person submits the winning name, the Fantastic Mystery Grand Prize Surprise will be broken up and divided among them, auctioned off to the highest bidder or presented to the finalist whose entry had the earliest postmark.
8) Grand prize winner will be promptly notified by phone when Burkett Child No. 2 is born. To tell you the truth, Burkett's hoping for a 3 a.m. birth just for the opportunity of annoying a total stranger in the middle of the night.
9) If a winner cannot be located or does not claim his/her Fantastic Mystery Grand Prize Surprise within seven (7) days after notification, it will be sold at Park 'n' Swap and the proceeds will be placed in the Michael Burkett Vasectomy Fund.
10) Void where taxed, restricted, prohibited by law and in households where everyone's name either rhymes or begins with the same letter. 11) The Dad Zone reserves the right to use the grand prize winner's name and photograph in case the kid grows to hate the name and wants to track down and harm the responsible party.
12) If the judges like none of the submitted names, the Grand Prize will be awarded to the entrant with the neatest penmanship.
OFFICIAL ENTRY BLANK
New Times, P.O. Box 2510
Phoenix, AZ 85002
First and middle name/male
First and middle name/female