Drumroll, please. The excitement of the Name-the-Baby Sweepstakes is about to reach a fever pitch.
As you may recall (provided you haven't blocked it from memory), some of the, er, lesser prizes have already been announced: a phone call direct from the Dad Zone upon the kid's birth proclaiming you the winner; the once-in-a-lifetime thrill of knowing you named the child of total strangers; and one copy of New Times every week for life (subject to newsrack availability).
Well, the much-touted Fantastic Mystery Grand Prize Surprise has finally been selected, and if this news doesn't give you goosebumps in places you've never had goosebumps, check your pulse. You might be dead.
If you are named the Big Winner, you will receive your choice of any one (1) of these exciting, jet-setting travel packages!
THE FLY-TO-STARDOM GETAWAY
Round-trip air fare for two to fabulous Los Angeles, California (value: $76) . . . plus a few extra bucks (value: $24) to try to buy yourself a co-starring role on your favorite TV show or in a major motion picture opposite your own personal Hollywood idol!THE LIVE-WITH-A-STAR GETAWAY One-way airfare for one to stupendous Los Angeles, California (value: $19) . . . plus a map to the movie stars' homes (value: $3), a crowbar (value: $7), and a partial bail bond (value: $71) should your celebrity roomie choose to press charges!THE BREAK-THE-BANK GETAWAYS 1) Round-trip air fare for two to glamorous Las Vegas, Nevada (value: $76) . . . plus one night in a cheap hotel (value: $8), one buffet dinner and two forks (value: $4.99), and an $11.01 casino bankroll that could be parlayed into $10,000,000 or more!
2) Round-trip Vegas air fare for one (value: $38) . . . plus a nicer motel in a less-frightening part of town (retail value: $20), a better buffet and two clean forks (value: $5.99), and a $36.01 casino bankroll!
3) For you thrill-seeking low-rollers, a ticket good for one seat on a "Laughlin Fun Bus Turnaround," including free buffet (value: $2) . . . plus 1,960 nickels!THE SUN-'N'-SAND GETAWAYS 1) Round-trip air fare for one to beautiful San Diego, California (value: $38) . . . plus a beach blanket (value: $13.25), four bottles of suntan lotion (value: $14), the celebrity fragrance of your choice (value up to $34), and a hand-painted sign (value: $.75) reading, "Hey, you with the tight buns/breast implants! Over here!"
2) A hiking guide to the scenic Mohave Desert (value: $2) . . . plus 193 15-cent postcard stamps (value: $28.95), a case of suntan lotion (value: $30), a water canteen (value: $13), and eight signal flares (value: $26.05)!THE I-HATE-TO-TRAVEL GETAWAYS 1) Two luxurious days and one romantic, off-season night for two at the Westcourt in the Buttes hotel in pulchritudinous Tempe, Arizona (value: $95) . . . plus $5 for the valet parking attendant, to give you a fleeting taste of what it's like to be a big tipper!
2) Three fun-filled nights and four buy-till-you-die days for one at the Motel 6 in breathtaking Scottsdale, Arizona (value: $63.84), mere blocks from those snotty Fifth Avenue shops and art galleries . . . plus a washable, all-plastic Ted De Grazia place mat (value: $36.16).
3) Seven heart-stopping nights and eight adventurous days for you and up to five friends at a selected roadhouse on indescribable East Van Buren Street (value: $65) . . . plus a dozen Roach Motels (value: $22) and free cocktails (or whatever else you may be into, up to $13) across town at the popular Club 902!
There's no time to lose! Enter now . . . and start packing!
All travel packages must be arranged by the sweepstakes winner and purchased with the $100 he/she will receive from New Times on the condition that no rude comments are made about what a lame, unimaginative Fantastic Mystery Grand Prize Surprise we came up with.