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5 Ways to Survive the Twinkie Apocalypse

Since Hostess announced it was closing its doors for good, fans of the Texas-based snack maker have done a deep-dive into a serious pool of crazy worrying about the fate of the beloved Twinkie.

Photographing the last one seen in a store, spending every last dime to stuff as many of them into a shopping cart as possible, the hellish ache for a snack you barely thought about until someone said it wouldn't be around anymore: these are the realities of a Twinkie Apocalypse.

And surviving it -- until another company purchases the brand name (likely) or mankind is threatened with extinction (unlikely, that will be done by zombies) -- means knowing your options.

Here are five of them.

Buy Them Online (Gazillionaires Only)

If too-tight diamond shoes and a solid gold rocket car on the fritz are two of your current problems at the moment, you most likely have the means to afford a $200,000 Twinkie Double Pack of "sweet delicious mouth gold" being sold online. Thanks to a crazy-inflated "black market," the Interwebs are awash with Twinkies being sold for staggering amounts of green. Some of the most entertaining ebay listings for the snack can be seen here sporting headings such as "Blessed Twinkie," "Signed by Charles Barkley," and "Buy Twinkies and Help Me Get My New Lungs."

Move to Canada

Why subject yourself to the chaos, insanity, and, ultimately, the poor fashion choices of a Twinkie Apocalypse when you can head north and cross the border into a land of Twinkies a-plenty -- also known as Canada. It's true, the Great White North, whose largest dairy processor owns the rights to manufacturing Hostess Twinkie and CupCake brands isn't affected by what's going on in the U.S. And if you're a fan of Wonder Bread, they've got that, too. Beauty, eh hose head?

Get Them Locally

Extending his dessert like a deep-fried, chocolate-covered middle finger, Mark Vojtek, owner and chef of Mark's Café in Tempe, is calling bullshit on the Twinkie Apocalypse by continuing to serve up his own stash. For a mere $3.95 (a far cry from the $200,000 box of Twinkies on eBay), guests can score the spongy, cream-filled, snack deep-fried and topped with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and powdered sugar. Bite on that, junk food desperados.

Watch This Cinematic Homage To The Twinkie

After a scare as terrifying as the prospect of no more Twinkies in the free world, it's important to try and remain calm and think about the good times. Thankfully, The Huffington Post has put together a five-minute-long movie montage to help. Featuring every Twinkie and Twinkie reference in every film ever made -- think Die Hard, Zombieland, and, of course, Ghostbusters -- it's a cinematic homage that should help with the grieving process.

Make Your Own

The Twinkie Apocalypse, like the Zombie Apocalypse, means self-survival and know-how. Thankfully, for the former, you don't need a crowbar, you just need this recipe from the how-to site Instructables to make Twinkies your own damn self. Here's what makes it better than the rest:

"This Twinkie recipe came from hard work and laborious testing (of the other various copycat twinkie recipes posted all over the internet). This Twinkie recipe combines the winningest recipes for best cake and best filling from the Epic 2010 Homemade Twinkie Challenge. Finally, I have combined the two in one ultimate Twinkie Recipe, guaranteed to please, according to the very scientific results from our challenge."

The shelf life is shorter, but they'll probably taste better. Bookmark and be glad.

(Via: The Huffington Post, The Consumerist, Instructables, Buzzfeed)


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