Audio By Carbonatix
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch’s weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
Heads up, bitches. This one’s going to sting.
Whether you love her, hate her, or secretly wonder if you are her, the basic bitch is everywhere. From the West Coast to the East Coast, Midwest, and down south, this simple lady can found playing it safe inside a neighborhood Starbucks, under the mist of a spray tan, or on social media posting selfies (#blessed).
Of course, the basic bitch doesn’t just vary from state to state, she varies by city. Which is why we’re breaking down the basics of being basic in Tempe, Scottsdale, and Phoenix.
See also: 50 Signs You’re Dating a Basic Bitch
The Tempe Basic Bitch
She drives: A VW Jetta. It was a graduation gift, you guys.
Her dog a.k.a. her baby: A Boston terrier because she couldn’t afford a French bull dog
Her favorite book: Bridget Jones’s Diary
Her dream job: Kindergarten teacher
Her tattoo: It’s an inspirational but misquoted line from her favorite song, bible verse, or book.
Her dream vacation: Disneyland because you’re never too old to be a princess.
Her drink of choice: She likes IPAs because that’s what her guy friends drink.
Her summer jam: “Pompeii” by Bastille
Her favorite movie of 2014 so far: The Fault in Our Stars
Her workout routine consists of: Zumba
She finds $20 in her pocket and immediately spends it on: a trip to Target.
You’ll find her at: A house party with basic bros
The Scottsdale Basic Bitch
She drives: A BMW 3 or 5 series. Her daddy bought it for her.
Her dog a.k.a. her baby: A shi-tzu, pomeranian, any creature that requires weekly grooming and can fit in her Tory Burch purse.
Her favorite book: Confessions of a Shopaholic
Her dream job: Trophy wife.
Her tattoo: A tramp stamp or a foot tat of a character you’d find in a sticker vending machine (i.e. butterfly, heart, star, fairy).
Her dream vacation: Paris. (Just the parts she saw on Gossip Girl.)
Her drink of choice: Vodka cranberry
Her summer jam: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea
Her favorite movie of 2014 so far: The Other Woman
Her workout routine consists of: putting on a matching Lululemon outfit and doing something at the gym. We’re not sure what, but she doesn’t appear to have broken a sweat and she’s wearing full makeup.
She finds $20 in her pocket and immediately spends it on: A pedicure
You’ll find her at: A pool party hosted by a D-list celeb
The Phoenix Basic Bitch
She drives: A Prius. It’s good for the environment. She’s not exactly sure how.
Her dog a.k.a. her baby: A pit bull mix. He’s a rescue and she can’t wait to tell you that.
Her favorite book: The Great Gatsby
Her dream job: PR
Her tattoo: Something minimalist but slightly spiritual like an infinity sign on her wrist or birds near her armpit
Her dream vacation: Coachella (even though “last year’s was way better”)
Her drink of choice: Thirsty Crow
Her summer jam: “Brooklyn Baby” by Lana Del Ray
Her favorite movie of 2014 so far: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Her workout routine consists of: Hot yoga but she’s dressed like she walked out of a Free People catalog
She finds $20 in her pocket and immediately spends it on: Hair chalk
You’ll find her at: A friend of a friend’s art show
Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
