Fran Lebowitz Talks Scorsese, Smoking, and Her Scottsdale Show

In a world where it seems as though everyone is constantly available by phone and email and social media, Fran Lebowitz is difficult to get a hold of.

The author, speaker, and quintessential New Yorker doesn’t own a computer. Or a cellphone. She screens her calls at home, so if you want to talk to her, you have to start to leave a message and if she feels like it, she’ll pick up.

But when the conversation starts, you’re treated to the humor and social commentary she’s been known for for more than 50 years. And if you’re not privileged enough to have her home number, you can catch her at Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts on Friday, April 7.

Lebowitz recently spoke with Phoenix New Times about Martin Scorsese, secondhand smoke, and what she really thinks of Arizona. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Phoenix New Times: What can people expect at the show in Scottsdale?
Fran Lebowitz: I do the same thing everywhere: Someone interviews me on stage for half an hour, and that person leaves the stage, and then I get up and I stand at a podium and I answer questions from the audience for one hour. Aside from the fact that I don’t have to write a speech, when you take the questions from the audience, or even a local journalist, whoever interviews you, you talk about what the people there want to talk about. Obviously, I go all over the world, and obviously, people want to talk about different things in Scottsdale, Arizona, than they do in Athens, Greece. That’s why I do it that way. I don’t allow the person who interviews me to show me the questions, so for me, I’m surprised. That surprise is the fun of it for me.

What do you think of Arizona?
The thing I really don’t like is the landscape, which I find terrifying. I know many people find it very beautiful, but I actually find these giant mountains and these giant cacti, with these big shadows – and to me, I grew up in New Jersey but I’ve lived here for 50 years – some of these plants look like monsters from a movie. So I’m always ducking and it turns out to be a shadow. You also have animals that we don’t have here. So basically, I find it to be a place of natural terror. Everyone goes, “Isn’t it beautiful? Look at that giant mountain.” I don’t know. It’s a big shadow. There could be an axe murderer standing there. So I’m certain that it’s true that Scottsdale, Arizona, is actually a safer place than New York City, but I actually find it a more dangerous place.

You have many very, very bad politicians, I have to say, and you always have. Maybe not always, but in my lifetime. And I find that pretty upsetting. But unfortunately, as I’m sure you’re aware, there are many places in the country where this is true. We have terrible politicians too, but at least they’re Democrats. Terrible Democrats are different than terrible Republicans.

You travel all over for speaking engagements, but you actually really hate to fly, right?
Yes. And by the way, I don’t remember the last time I flew. It was like four days ago. I’m sure today was worse. Every day is worse and that is because the airlines are allowed to act as if they’re doing us a favor. No other business is run this way. It’s a business. They charge everyone a lot of money. They act like they’ve said, “You know what? Want a ride? Hop on.” So I don’t think there’s anyone that doesn’t find air travel horrible. You have to be a statue to not be responsive to this. So yeah, it’s worse. It’s worse by the second. And it’s worse because it’s allowed to be worse. It’s as simple as that.

Think of all the times you’ve been on a plane when they’re announcing that there aren’t enough seats. They sold more seats than they have. This happens routinely in airports. I always hear them ask if anyone would like to give up their ticket, and what they’re going to give you is a free horrible flight. So if you don’t like this horrible flight, let me give you two. They charge for every single thing. Things that they used to give you, that used to be included in the price of the ticket. It’s just completely horrible. What surprises me is not the airlines, because businesses will behave as badly as they are allowed to behave, period. What surprises me is the large number of people in airports who seem to not have to be there. I get on a plane if I have to work. That’s it. Otherwise, I won’t get on a plane. I see that there are large numbers of people who are going on vacation. And I look at them and I think, how bad is your regular life that this is better? Everyone sees this: people with three kids and strollers and all the luggage and I think, where are you going? I don’t know what your regular life is like, but I already know I prefer it to just this moment in the airport.

I also don’t understand: What is all this luggage you have? How many baseball caps do you need? Because it’s not like these people are so beautifully dressed. I’m talking about the adults, obviously. I don’t know why people do this, but I do know what I say to my agent all the time when we talk about contracts. I say, “They pay me to get there.” Because the actual event I really enjoy. I really find it very enjoyable. But getting there is hellish no matter where you’re going.

Do you have any plans to do another series, like how you did Pretend It’s a City with Martin Scorsese?
I would only do it with Marty. And Marty and I have talked about it. Numerous times, as a matter of fact. But Marty is always doing three or four things at once. He also takes decades to edit things. I don’t remember when I talked to him last, a couple weeks ago, and we talked about it, and I said “Well, we’ll see Marty. When you’re done.” He’s never done. “When you think about this in a more focused way, and we can figure out what to do.” I would do something else with him.

It’s because of Marty. I just love Marty. It may not sound like a big deal, but I don’t love many people. I just love him. He’s brilliant. He’s hilarious. He’s fun. He’s obviously a great director-I’m not alone in that assessment. It’s a very rich experience working with Marty because you learn so much. So I just find it a very wonderful thing to do. But most of it is him.

People often ask me, “What’s it like to collaborate with Martin Scorsese?” I don’t collaborate with Marty. I’m not a movie director. I don’t collaborate with him. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t even know what he does. I now know more because I’ve done two projects with him, but that does not make me a movie director. I realize I live in a world where everyone thinks they can do anything. But they can’t. So I have learned, but I still couldn’t do it. I don’t have to do it. I don’t even want to do it. So it’s just the experience of working with him that I find, on top of everything else, fun. And I’m a fun fan.

You’re known for not owning a cellphone or a computer. Why have you chosen to avoid those things?
It’s very simple. It’s not a hatred of modern technology. … When I was in high school, the high school I went to you, you had to take typing as a separate course. And I didn’t take it, because when I was a girl, if you could do that, that was your job. Offices, which they don’t have anymore, there used to be a giant room full of women typing, and around that giant typing room were big offices with the doors closed that the men were in, and these women were typing for the men. Because men couldn’t type. It was something hormonal. Only women could type. I’ve pointed out that the second they invented computers, men could type. It was not a hormonal situation.

What you do on the phone, on the computer, you type, I know people say you can do it just with your thumbs, but you have to know how to do it. I don’t know how to do it. When they first invented the computer you have in your house, it was called a word processor. And a friend of mine who was a screenwriter got one, and she loved it and said come see it. And i said it’s just a very fast typewriter. I don’t need this. I don’t know how to type. I never had a typewriter. So I didn’t have the old machines. It’s not a hatred of modern technology. It’s an antipathy to machinery. I’m the type of person if something breaks, if a machine breaks, I hit it and I beg it not to break. Like I actually hit it. I hit a washing machine and I ask it not to break, because who could possibly fix something as complicated as a washing machine? Not me. That’s why I don’t have it.

The fact that I don’t have a phone is apparently very angering to my friends because they’re always yelling at me, “I can’t reach you.” I have a phone in my house. It used to be called a phone; now it’s called a landline. I don’t need to be reached. I’m not that important. What do you need to reach me for? If you have an emergency, I can’t help you. I don’t have these skills.

What are you working on right now?
Right now, I’m talking to you. I just got back from California, and I think the next place I go is Pittsburgh. Mostly, when I’m traveling like this, that’s what I’m doing. And then in between, I’m doing laundry.

What are you reading right now?
I’m hoping that the question is “What am I reading right now that I would recommend?” I never [publicly criticize books]. I’m not an assassin. … Unfortunately, the book I’m reading now that I like the most, I cannot pronounce the name of the writer because I am, like my fellow Americans, monolingual. The title of the book is The Oppermanns. The writer’s name I cannot pronounce. It’s German. It was a book written in the 1930s. It was either never translated or not well translated until a few months ago. It’s a wonderful book. It’s really good. And then I’m doing something in the last few years that I never did before. I never read more than one book at a time. I don’t know when I started this, maybe seven or eight years ago. So I’m also reading a book called We Don’t Know Ourselves by Fintan O’Toole. The subtitle is A Personal History of Modern Ireland. I don’t have a particular interest in Ireland, but he’s a wonderful writer. It’s really, really a good book because he’s really, really a good writer. People ask me what makes a good book. Talent.

We crowdsourced a few quick questions: Who would you have liked to have in your taxi during your cab-driving days?
Driving a cab in 1970 or 1971, you wanted someone in your cab who was going to pay you and not harass you. Because I was a young girl. Cab drivers weren’t girls. I kept hearing there was a woman cab driver and I never saw her. Someone who wouldn’t harass me. Who paid me. Sometimes, because I was a kid, people tried to pay me in joints. And first of all, I was often stopped by the cops because they thought I stole the cab because I was a girl. And you didn’t want to be stopped with a joint in the cab because you’d go right to prison for 400 years. But also, I drove the cab for money. Someone who would pay me in cash, not harass me, and not be too drunk.

In what prohibited space would you like to have a cigarette?
I find this no smoking thing to be ridiculous. People seem to think cigarette smoke is uniquely dangerous. The streets of New York City reek of weed. Smoke is bad for you. Cigarette smoke. Marijuana smoke. Barbecue smoke. Fireplace smoke. Burning building smoke, okay? It’s all the same to your lungs if you’re not the one doing it. There’s this idea that secondhand smoke is somehow more dangerous than firsthand smoke. And also there’s this idea worldwide that I’m the only person who still smokes, despite the fact that every time I go out to a party, I bring a full pack of cigarettes because otherwise, I have not one cigarette to smoke. People who stopped smoking 10 years ago are smoking my cigarettes. Last year, I went to Oslo for the first time. I get out of the airport, and the pavement is full of cigarette butts. I said to the guy who picked me up, “Look at these cigarette butts. I’ve never been in this country. They’re not mine.”

If you couldn’t live in New York City, where would you live?
This is a question I’m frequently asked, and I don’t understand the genesis of it. Because I try to think, why wouldn’t I be allowed to live in New York? Because truthfully, if I wasn’t allowed to live in New York, there’s no place that would allow me to live. One of the reasons I live in New York is they allow me to live here, by which I mean they allow anyone to live here. There’s lots of places where that is not true. They may not have a legal reason to allow you to live there, but your life would be pretty miserable. One of the many upsides of New York is how New Yorkers ignore each other. So that is a wonderful thing. It’s a really wonderful thing to not have people focused on you to the extent that they wouldn’t allow you to live there.

Fran Lebowitz. 8 p.m. Friday, April 7. Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts, 7380 East Second Street, Scottsdale. Cost is $50 to $65. Call 480-499-8587 or visit the Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts website.