After spending 13 episodes catching up on life with them, we'll miss our old familiar friends DJ, Kimmy, Stephanie, and the rest of the Fuller House gang. This finale hardly felt like one, probably because we knew that there will be a second season of the show before we even had time to binge. They also left some of the season's biggest storylines open-ended, specifically in regards to our ladies in love.
Once again though, the kids in this episode are a total afterthought. Jackson does that thing where he calls himself J$ and pines over Lola, Ramona sulks about moving away, Max spazzes about Ramona moving away, and Tommy is a baby and drools. That's about it. We get that it's a family show, and these girls are well within age where having children would be a reality for the 2016 Tanners. However, it only really lent itself to the reason they were all in one house to begin with. It's a major crack in a story that needs to remove itself from nostalgia alone.
All that said, this is a show we never thought we'd actually see on TV again, and for that, we're thankful. Even with all the cheesy call-backs, the show still set the bar pretty high for reboots to come. Now then, we got a whopping 33-minute finale to spend with the gang, so let's get to it.
The episode opens with Matt and DJ celebrating the grand opening of the newly minted Harmon Fuller Pet Care. Going into business while your relationship is up in the air is about as smart as getting your significant other's name tattooed on your arm. Nevertheless, the room was full of friends and confetti and puppies, and so far, things are looking good, especially for DJ. That is, until Steve takes yet another opportunity to be a creep, showing up late to hover around Matt and DJ. It was yet another "will they, won't they" between the three, with the only new information being that Steve knew that Matt used to be an underwear model. You're welcome for that mental image.
At home, Kimmy bounces in, wedding dress in hand. She's already legally married and just got "engaged" again yesterday, but she's wasting no time. Conveniently, Jesse and Rebecca are coming to town, celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by renewing their vows in — where else? — the backyard. This gives Kimmy the ultimate mooching opportunity (which is saying a lot for a Gibbler) to piggy-back on to the ceremony the following night, so they can quickly move out and head on the road with Fernando's racing team. This was news to the Katsopoliseses, but they eventually agree to it.
Later on that evening, Jesse and Rebecca sit down to have a romantic McDonald's dinner, which apparently is what they had on their first date that we don't even remember, but whatever. Get that sponsorship money! They reflect on their 25 years together and being the ultimate in relationship goals before that was even a thing. They are quickly interrupted by the She Wolf pack, dolled up for Kimmy's still-legally-married-so-not-really-a-bachelorette party. Becky scoots out the door without even eating her burger, although Tommy Jr. picking up both burgers and trying to eat them with one tooth made for his best performance all season.
Thankfully, unlike "da club" episode, we were spared the antics of the She Wolf Pack and were only subjected to the aftermath, least of which was them singing "Wannabe" at 2 a.m. Becky heads to bed while the girls stay up and prank call Michelle using only elementary-school Michelle catchphrases. Any idea why the Olsen twins wanted nothing to do with this? Us either. This was a small precursor to a much bigger set of drunk dials brought to you by tequila. After drudging up the whole Matt versus Steve thing again, DJ resolves to let her heart do the talking, while instead, Stephanie talks to Matt and Kimmy talks to Steve and they both get invited to the wedding.
The next day, the girls crawl out of their hangovers and start getting ready. Suddenly, Matt shows up at the door, unsure of when the wedding he was invited to actually was, but dressed up for it anyway. DJ is surprised, but probably at least a little stoked because, c'mon, look at him. It wouldn't be hijinks without Steve walking in a few minutes later, also prepared to be DJ's date. Oops!
The good news is, with the addition of Steve, Matt, and Jackson's lady love Lola, that about doubled the attendance of this wedding. Seriously, there were more people at the pet clinic celebration. Where were their friends? Or at the very least, the rest of the family? We thought for sure Danny, his nameless wife, the twins, and The Rippers would have made the trip. However, the one who does roll in is Joey ... literally, on rollerblades. Since we apparently can't be expected to know him without a hockey jersey on, he reports for officiant duty dressed for his made-up, hockey-based religion. He also showed up with a lot more hair. Did Dave Coulier see the dailies from the first few episodes and panic? You do you, Dave.
Stephanie premières a song she wrote for the wedding, because of course she did. Of all the characters this season, she really got the shaft. The one with the most growth to be had was relegated to a sidekick of a sidekick, or the only adult that really interacted with the kids. Love stories came and went, and we're still not sure if she's famous or not. Hopefully, they give her more to work with in season two. Her song ends and the bride, bride, groom, and groom are at the altar. Jesse and Rebecca go first, sharing some generic vows in front of mostly children. Cool. They get pushed to the back, where Becky basically looked like a bridesmaid while Kimmy and Fernando took their places.
After finishing their vows, Joey calls up all four of them for the "I Dos." Last in the line is Kimmy, who all the sudden, surprisingly panics. She chokes on her "I do," and goes running into the house. Ramona jumps up after her, trying to figure out what's wrong. Kimmy starts rattling on about how she doesn't want to uproot their lives and that seems like a real weak excuse for a much bigger problem, Kimberlina. Dude cheated on you, a lot, so that probably isn't helping. Ramona is obviously Team Fernimmy (her words, not ours), but promises to stand by her mom no matter what. It's then that Kimmy decides to go back out.
They start the "I Dos" again — and once again, she freezes. She goes running back into the kitchen and it's time for the DJ and Stephanie big guns. Refreshingly, DJ flat out tells her she doesn't like Fernando and Kimmy shouldn't marry him. THANK YOU, DJ. How are there not more people in Kimmy's life not saying the same thing — most importantly, herself? Stephanie offers a less than enthusiastic, "Well, you could always divorce him." So that's what it comes to. Your best friends either hate him or figure you can dump him later. Yikes. DJ backslides, however, saying that she isn't one to talk since she has two dudes pining for her that she can't decide between. Stephanie agrees, but reminds them that things are complicated, but they always have each other. In all of this, Kimmy eventually lands on, "I don't need a man, I'm going back out there to marry Fernando." (ZING!)
She makes it back up the aisle and nearly gets through it, but stops herself again. She goes to make a run for it and is blocked by the family and unable to climb over the fence. She finally realizes, this probably isn't a good thing. She tells Fernando that she wants to stay and he knows he has to leave on the racing tour. Joey finally puts a pin in it, suggesting that they agree to be engaged for however long it takes to figure things out (or, to stretch out Fernando's scenes for next season). They both say, "I do."
We say, "please don't."
Jesse and Becky leave without saying goodbye, which makes sense considering they might as well have not even been there. Adios, Katsopoliseses. That leaves room for the big reveal: Who will DJ pick to be her beau? They all land on stage, DJ with a rose in hand and, well, you see where this is going. Our leading bachelorette shares with each of them why she sees them together: Matt because their future is unknown and exciting; Steve because she feels safe and loved with him. So, basically, they're the same.
In the end, she has a revelation to choose herself. Yes, indeed, they went there. She just started dating, and if she couldn't choose now, then she probably isn't ready. The guys are quite calm about it all, with Matt resting in the fact that they will be working together every day and Steve knowing exactly what tree to climb in order to stare into her window at night. After the maddening last episode where the girls let their hearts do the talking, it was nice to see them use their heads. Feminism is restored once again, and the possibilities are now endless for season two. See you then!
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.