We’ve tried to get into running plenty of times, but it never lasts for more than a couple of miles. No matter how motivated we are at the start, it doesn’t take us long to realize that we’ve never experienced sore knees while watching TV — and it’s only rarely…

Now’s a bad time to be looking for a career. The only positions available are in “marketing” (selling knives door-to-door), “customer service” (fielding calls about those knives), and “data entry” (giving your Social Security Number to a kindly man from Nigeria). It’s enough to make you think about taking a…

This year, the Arizona Diamondbacks are like your lazy friend from high school. Both have fallen short of their potential and disappointed a lot of people, but both are also entertaining enough to make spending time with them worthwhile. Like your shiftless pal, the ’09 D-Backs haven’t amounted to much…

It takes a real a-hole to heckle somebody. This isn’t to say that we haven’t been tempted to, but whenever we consider it, we realize that we’ll piss off a bunch of people in the process. We like to think that this means our mother raised us right, but part…

Suburban Commando is the greatest movie of all time. Don’t believe us? Then name another motion picture that can top the Hulk Hogan classic in terms of pure entertainment value. You see, the flick can be enjoyed as a legitimately good family film, yet for anybody falling outside of that…

Everyone experiences things out of his or her comfort zones. For us, it’s taking a dump in public. For you, perhaps, it’s NASCAR. Maybe you don’t have anything against auto racing, per se, but the racetrack isn’t really your “scene.” But by thinking this way, you eliminate yourself from partaking…

We always try to make the most of the last days of summer for one reason: Hating the heat makes you old. We’re positive that the day we stop squeezing the last juicy bits out of the season will be promptly followed by the day we start chasing kids off…

You can learn a lot about a person’s finances in the cereal aisle. A guy might buy a car out of his price range, but when the chips are down, you know dude’s reaching for the Malt-O-Meal, not the fancy rich-people cereal in the tiny boxes on the top shelf…

Nothing against the current Suns, but when we think of basketball in Phoenix, our thoughts still turn to the halcyon days of Kevin “KJ” Johnson, “Thunder” Dan Majerle, “Sir” Charles Barkley, and Danny “Giant Asshole” Ainge. Still, sometimes we want to watch a basketball game that doesn’t feature Oliver Miller…

We’re ashamed to admit it, but we’ve always admired cosplayers. Not for their taste – or diet or personal hygiene – but for their courage. You have to respect someone who proudly advertises his or her interests with no regard for the stigmatization that inevitably follows. If you’re a closeted…

Sporting events on Saturday nights are an iffy proposition. If you manage to convince a girl (or an effeminate guy, we don’t judge) to go, there’s always the risk that she’ll spend the evening reminding you of the romantic (read: boring) movies and nice (read: expensive) restaurants that you could…