There’s no separation of church and scare at the Final Destination III Haunted House. This guided walk-through depicts horrifying morality plays of sinning and eternal damnation, i.e. gay people worship Satan and abortions are a one-way ticket to Hades. These so-called “Hell Houses” are nationwide franchises preaching the literal translation…
When’s the last time you saw a clown up close? Was it this morning in the bathroom mirror? That’s what Jeffrey “Bungles” Potts sees first thing in the a.m., reaching for the toothpaste and pulling up his BVDs, only he’s a professional and you’re nothing but a two-bit huckster who…
The recent fright features we’ve scribed for this section have depicted terrifying zombies and the blood lust of the dying. Sheesh. We know Halloween is scary, but do we have to pee in our underpants every time we cringe thru a darkened room? In a word, no. After we spoke…
Golfland SunSplash, usually the second-happiest place on Earth, has reinvented itself for All Hallows with The Gauntlet, a 4,000-square-foot maze re-creating the bubonic plague of the 1300s. Horrifyingly, the Black Death left its 75 million victims with decaying flesh, dark, scabby spots all over their bodies, and inflamed lymph nodes…
Scoot closer, honey, and turn those lights down so we can tell you something. Legend has it that the government experimented with D-13 serum to turn dead soldiers into fighting machines, but instead they became man-eating zombies. The D-13, stored near Mesa Riverview, leaked into a local graveyard, and those…
Our assignment, which we chose to accept, was to sling ink about Copper Star Coffee’s Poetry Series setup on the third Wednesday of every month. We hoped the tattooed stud pouring our mud would spill the beans about the upcoming assonance-shaking and alliteration-popping, but — hell’s bells! — it’s the…
Twenty-three years ago, our then-girlfriend Robin tried to rent us an apartment, but the spritzhead manager quoted company rules: “We don’t rent one-bedrooms to same-sex roommates.” Pissed, we kicked over the flowerpot outside the door. That was Phoenix then, but now, with the seventh annual Rainbows Festival, can you almost…
Who are we? Why are we here? Are we obsessive-personality quirks led by a voice in our head? Is it God? Or is it our dog? Yes, we think too much, but that’s why we blow off steam by throwing chairs at people and attacking bystanders with various scissor holds,…
The sticky cherry juice trickles over Jenni’s open mouth. She visibly arches her back when the Republican, lesbian bartender whispers Rachael Maddow’s MSNBC political analysis of the nominees’ VP choices. Jenni flutters her eyes and moans her approval rating. That’s bipartisan porn for pundits, but for news, booze, left-leaning social…
We Americans are inured to suffering, but given the history of our civilization, we come by it honestly. Now consider Mexico and her Aztec empire in the year 1521, when Spain’s Hernán Cortés initiated centuries of slave labor. Irish ex-pat Guillen Lombardo kick-started the freedom movement in the 1640s, and…
In 1963, SoCal native Johnny Lozoya was 10 and enthralled watching low-slung, growling machines called lowriders pace his neighborhood streets. As he tells New Times, “They were definitely not my parents’ four-door family sedan.” In 1979, Lozoya organized the first Lowrider Convention at Firebird Lake. Now 55, he’s still as…
If we know you like we think we do, you like to get drunk and sing your ass off. Don’t be embarrassed; we saw you push that mousy guy with the Mariah Carey octave off the karaoke machine and throw the party into gear with your rendition of “Thriller,” replete…
Commodification of art is nothing new (we especially like those Hello Kitty vibrators), but a respectable art gallery slumming in a mall is right up there with Walmarts on sacred burial grounds, even if it’s exactly the kind of “social embeddedness” that Joe Baker, ASU’s Director of Community Engagement, has…
We’re what you’d call “white.” Our Mexican ex-boyfriend has confirmed this many times, despite our challenges to the contrary. “But look right here,” we’d say, “this spot is kind of brown!” He would just laugh and direct his gaze in a more southwesterly direction. Now we can really compare and…
Of the 33 designated Phoenix Points of Pride, the Wrigley Mansion is number 30. We think that’s an undersell. Peaking the meridian of its own 100-foot hillock, it’s a measure of one rich man’s love for his wife, but ask SWAY Events founder and frontman Gary Guerin, and he imagines…
Jackie Bacha, owner of Oh My Dog Spa and Boutique, says she’ll “jump through hoops” for her dogs. To that end, she’s invited private chef Bradford Hart, creator of the all-natural Golden Rule dog food, to lead a canine cooking class that’ll teach us how to keep our hound healthy…
If we had the self-awareness 18 years ago that we have now, we would have dropped more blouses at wet T-shirt contests. Alas, we were young and foolish, and had no real inkling of the limited shelf life of perky hooters. Life may be over for us, but still-bouncy ladies…
The Native American Basketball Invitational Tournament (NABI) has finally hit the big time, according to their Web site, which exclaims, “It doesn’t get any bigger than this!” Actually, we disagree. It should be much bigger. (Insert timely argument about our W.A.S.P. society here.) But we’ll take what we can get,…
When we told our dog about Lappy Hour, a monthly networking and adoption opportunity for canines and their humans, all he wanted to know was if there’d be any bitches there. Geez, Mr. Bisquit, evolve already. New Times caught up with Lappy Hour founder Vickie Rudd, who’s a bit more…
Work headaches, traffic snarls, unresolved personal issues. If you’re like us, you’ve got Yang coming out of your butt, so maybe it’s time we all took a long, cleansing breath and headed to Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art for Yin Friday. SMoCA’s Yin event is, not shockingly, the opposite of…
Why did Laurie Notaro leave her hometown of Phoenix, AZ? Had she sucked the last drop of marrow from every 1990s Mill Avenue moment and chewed the bones into dust? (She does have big teeth.) Whatever the case, the Muchacha del Idiota returns to her former stomping grounds to read…
When you think of a ukulele, do you think of Joan Rivers and Cheech & Chong? You will once you get a load of Ukulele Ray & The KokoNutz, a tropical/classic rock/comedy act from Tempe. Leader Ray, an ex-Chippendales dancer, is a conjugation of hot and hilarious. The self-hailed pop…
