Bonzo Jr. Goes to the Babysitter’s: Yet Another Compelling True-Life Sci-Fi Docu-Drama in Two Acts Act I (The curtain rises. A five-year-old boy and his father are driving to the babysitter’s house.) Boy: But . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but…
In a merciful world, no parent would be forced to view such horror. But in the flaming hellhole of reality, I had no choice. I looked. And it was worse than I ever could have imagined. My little boy’s beautiful, angelic face was frozen, forever, into a grotesque death mask…
What to Do When Your Baby Won’t Stop Crying Excerpted from the troubleshooting section of Dr. Dad’s Baby Owner’s Manual ($24.95; Salami Press). 1. Pick up the baby. Maybe he/she just wants to be held. 2. Put down the baby. Maybe he/she just wants to sleep. 3. Okay. Never mind…
As a child of the Sixties Who was into love and peace, It, like, wow, man, really bummed me To see global strife increase. So I long ago decided, If I ever had some sons, That never would I buy them Any war toys, any guns. That’s a vow I…
I recently came across the results of a government study which concluded, after years of exhaustive research, that husbands do less housework and family cooking than wives. Obviously, this project was conducted by the kind of freeloading, fed-funded Einsteins who would surmise, after years of exhaustive research, that men are…
In the Superman comic books of my youth, the Man of Steel often hung out in the far reaches of the universe on a cube-shaped planet called Bizarro World, where all the rules of nature, logic and common sense were reversed. Green traffic lights meant stop, red meant go. Dogs…
Yes, I know. I said I was going to take a six- or eight-week hiatus from Dad Zoning, and here we are almost five months later. But as any parent will confirm, time flies when you’re having babies. And it positively zooms when you choose to raise them yourself, as…
It seemed my son was just starting to get the hang of having a sister when he said, “Hey, dad. When Jessica gets a little older, I’m going to buy her a Barbie doll!” He promptly shattered the illusion by adding, “And then we can play `Barbie versus Godzilla’!” The…
They’re not kidding when they call it “the miracle of birth.” In addition to the obvious astonishments, it’s a miracle that any woman who’s experienced the agony once could ever suffer enough memory loss to say, “Yeah! I’d like to do that again!!!” It’s a miracle that new fathers readily…
I used to love writing letters. But that was before writing became my job. Nowadays, I can’t jot down so much as a “Dear Edna” without feeling like I should be getting a paycheck for it. Even if I’m absolutely nuts about Edna. And, of course, when you don’t write…
If the Guinness Book of World Records has a category for Shortest Radio Talk-Show Appearance, I’m a shoo-in to make the next edition. In my role as New Times/KTAR-AM radio film critic, I was all set to go on Michael Dixon’s midday program to chat about the previous night’s Oscar-doling…
Yet Another Compelling True-Life Sci-Fi Docu-Drama in One Act (overheard from the next room) The curtain rises. The time: 9 p.m. The place: the spectacularly messy bedroom of a four-year-old boy, who is being tucked in by his spectacularly pregnant mother. BOY: Mom, will you read me a story? MOTHER:…
This is the kind of family I married into. My wife has an aunt named Ha Ha. Actually, her name is Charlotte, but years ago, when my wife’s sister was just learning to talk, it came out “Ha Ha.” The tragic result: a bright, attractive woman has had to spend…
Drumroll, please. The excitement of the Name-the-Baby Sweepstakes is about to reach a fever pitch. As you may recall (provided you haven’t blocked it from memory), some of the, er, lesser prizes have already been announced: a phone call direct from the Dad Zone upon the kid’s birth proclaiming you…
Frankly, I’m touched by the huge number of entries we’ve received for the “Name-the-Baby Sweepstakes.” Of course, I could look at it another way and be appalled by the unmitigated greed of people who’d go to all the trouble of filling in and cutting out the entry form, addressing an…
It doesn’t bother me that my brother-in-law calls me Mr. Potato Head. Nor do I mind that no one ever leaps to my defense. What’s really annoying is that, the older I get, the less defense there is to leap to. To illustrate my point, I ask you to imagine…
It’s almost time! Burkett Child No. 2 will soon be pulled, kicking and screaming, into the real world. And frankly, the parents are too damned busy to thumb through the stacks of baby-name books they bought the first time around . . . giving you the honest-to-God chance to win…
THE KID ZONE KATALOGUE Unique mail-order gifts for the wee tyke who has everything–including parents with a fistful of credit cards and no self-restraint. MUSICAL DIAPER ALARM. Is baby dry? Wet? Messy? Eliminate the guesswork with this computerized, fully electric Musical Diaper Alarm. Child’s status is signaled automatically by the…
Two years ago, Denzel Washington earned an Academy Award best-supporting-actor nomination for his portrayal of South African black-consciousness leader Stephen Biko in Cry Freedom. Then he waited for the big offers to pour in. Then he waited some more. And some more . . . What about the critical acclaim,…
The Tyrannosaurus rex that’s attempting to eat my mug in the above portrait is no photographer’s prop. That toy-store carnivore has been my son’s most beloved plaything since he made the logic-defying discovery that beastly behavior in shopping malls is sometimes rewarded. The boy adores that scaly scale-model. He sleeps…
If you have any teens at home, let’s hope they can’t read or are much brighter than Dr. Dad. Q: My boyfriend calls me old-fashioned. Is it wrong for me to want sex only during marriage? A: Yes, it is wrong. You should wait at least until after the reception…
Dr. Duane Wooten could have chosen a safe, cushy field of medicine. He could have become a veterinarian, for example, specializing in psychotic pit bulls or rabid Doberman pinschers. But no. This Tempe physician dedicated his professional life to the care and treatment of the wildest, most unpredictable creatures in…
