The way I’ve come to see it, you can’t fully qualify as a modern parent unless you bring to the job these five essential items: shelter, food, clothing, medical care and a $999 video camera with special-effects functions and a free accessories package (retail value: $150) that includes carrying case,…
Sometimes, as that popular bumper sticker so ineloquently puts it, shit happens. And sometimes, there is no one to blame. You can see it coming from fifty miles off, all flashing lights and screaming sirens. You can do everything in your power to avoid it. And then . . …
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. The best if you were selling tickets; the worst if you were buying them. And now, only one question remains. Will film historians of the future refer to this as “The Heaven’s Gate Decade,” “The Ishtar Decade,” or…
‘Twas Christmas morning, and all through the house, there was no room for nothin’; not a mouse, not a louse. All night my son nestled so snug in his bed while visions of merchandise danced in his head. And now he’d discover that dreams CAN come true. That’s the magic…
WORST LINES “You wear your angst like a breakaway chastity belt.” Anthony Perkins to Kathleen Turner in Crimes of Passion. “I once beat mah haid on the barn door I wuz so lonely fer you.” Kelly McGillis to her backwoods beau in Winter People. “It was good, but not that…
If this were prime-time TV, the following tale could be broadcast as A Very Merry New Times Family Christmas Special, starring Perry Como, Wayne Newton, Dinah Shore, Jim Nabors, Burl Ives, and the Muppets. I have no idea what parts they’d play, but television producers are masters at figuring out…
I do not handle illness well. Give me a mild case of sniffles or up my body temperature to 98.7 and I start doing my impersonation of Ali MacGraw in Love Story. I tramp around the house, moaning softly and reminding my wife that love means never having to say…
Long ago, in a bathroom not very far away, the leaders of the Rebel Alliance–led by the heroic Luke Skywalker–planned their next attack against the evil Galactic Tub Toys in an adventure that would become known as . . . THE EMPIRE GETS WET An All-Star Sci-Fi Action Fantasy with…
John Pomeroy was an “incurable animation addict” when he joined Walt Disney Productions in 1973, heralded as part of the “new breed” set to replace Walt’s original animation veterans. But within six years, the bloom was off the cartoon rose: Pomeroy and a handful of other new breeders walked out…
To many people, Hollywood animation means the Disney cartoon–which in a slow, six-decade decline has seemed increasingly aimed at the very young and insatiably sweet-toothed. Over the years, dozens of would-be animation moguls have threatened a revolution. But last year, the studio that proved a mouse can talk bounced back…
In order to be a topflight journalist like myself, you need keen powers of observation to pick up on the subtleties of life that escape the common folk. And lately, one thing I’ve been noticing is that the difference between fathers and mothers is as great as the difference between…
The other night we had some friends over, a couple with a fourteen-month-old daughter. Wherever Daddy went, baby followed on all fours. Whenever Daddy sat down, baby would climb into his lap. Whenever anyone else tried to hold the child–including her own mother–she’d feign sudden respiratory failure until returned to…
I received this letter awhile back, and the smoke still hasn’t cleared from my mailbox. Quit your bitching and be thankful you have a wife to help you out. Try being a single father. Try working full-time, in addition to being a loving, responsible father. Try putting off things like…
This Halloween, my son is demanding to be outfitted like his favorite two-bit Japanese creature-feature star, Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster, and his expectations are high. I’m sure he thinks he’ll be able to climb into the thing, fly off, barbecue cities with his multiple fire-breathing noggins, and stomp the sushi…
There are two ways to search for a good, reliable baby sitter. One. You can run a help-wanted ad, interview dozens of prospects, and discover you wouldn’t trust any of ’em with your ant farm, let alone your kids. But you’ll hire the one you distrust the least because if…
Before Bruce Willis enters the room, a studio publicist announces that Mr. Willis will not discuss anything pertaining to his ex-TV series, Moonlighting, or his personal life. Hmmm. Okay. So, um, Bruce . . . whaddaya think of those Voyager photos of Neptune? Fortunately, the sole job qualification of studio…
Yikes. It’s 6:30. I’ve got to call my wife. I won’t be able to meet her for dinner after all. Dial, dial, ring, ring. “Hewwo?” “Hi, son. It’s Daddy.” “Hi, Dad.” “So you’re answering the phone all by yourself now, huh? You’re really getting to be a big boy, aren’t…
Dear Dr. Dad: I have lost all communication with my children. I speak slowly and try to be as simple and precise as possible, but nothing sinks in. When they don’t ignore me altogether, they just stare at me as if I were yammering in Swahili, then run off to…
Before my son was born, I was immortal. I had a few dozen different lives behind me, a hundred thousand ahead. Croak? Not me. Too damned busy. Then, KA-BOOM! I was a father. Suddenly I felt as vulnerable as the flame on a birthday candle. In the path of a…
During my first trip through expectant-fatherhood, I was really hoping for a girl. Seemed like the right sex to me. Being a total sports dolt, I was comforted by the probability that I’d never have to show her how to throw a football, explain the rules of ice hockey or…
My wife is psychic. She can always tell when I’ve dressed my son. All she has to do is look at the lad in his green dress shirt, blue swimming trunks, red-and-white gym socks and black patent-leather shoes, and somehow, she just knows that I coordinated his outfit. It’s incredible…
It’s a million and ten degrees in the shade and you’ve warned your kids that if they don’t behave, you’re sending them outside until they’re medium to well-done. So they mill around the house, expecting you to entertain them. Here’s what you do. Stick a tray of ice cubes down…
