If this were prime-time TV, the following tale could be broadcast as A Very Merry New Times Family Christmas Special, starring Perry Como, Wayne Newton, Dinah Shore, Jim Nabors, Burl Ives, and the Muppets. I have no idea what parts they’d play, but television producers are masters at figuring out…
In Arizona, convicted child molesters are required by law to register with the local sheriff. The sheriffs then turn in the names to the Arizona Department of Public Safety, which maintains a computerized registry of all convicted child molesters who live in Arizona–including people who were convicted in other states…
On the eve of his stunning political triumph, Julian Sanders was in an expansive mood. “I am not prejudiced,” said Sanders. “I pick up black hitchhikers if I see them in need.” Because I half expected him to tick off which Stevie Wonder albums he owned, it was plain that…
Stately, plump Bill Bidwill moved in regal fashion past the food line in the press box at Sun Devil Stadium last Saturday. Mexican food was being dished up. Bidwill’s hands remained at his sides, however. The Phoenix Cardinals owner did not reach for a platter. “Have a plate of food,…
Welcome to the Big Daddy Hall of Fame! This guide is designed to help you enjoy your visit to the fullest. As you make your way through our exhibit areas, read along and discover a host of facts and figures, as well as some very interesting “behind the scenes” historical…
If you’re planning on getting a federal loan to help you through college, you may have to submit to random drug testing. At least, that’s how a student-advocacy group in Arizona sees things in the wake of the knee-jerk Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988. The new law demands that students…
The Salt River Project, besieged by state and federal regulators over pollution problems at its Navajo Generating Station near Page, is facing yet another public-relations blow. Federal wildlife biologists suspect emissions from the power plant may be causing toxic contamination in the fish of nearby Lake Powell. Recent samples of…
The London Bridge, hauled brick by brick to the Colorado River, put Lake Havasu City on the map. The rest, as any student of history’s great real estate schemes will tell you, was pure salesmanship. From nothing, chain-saw czar Robert McCulloch (by erecting a totally incongruous tourist attraction) created something…
How can you tell if your nine-year-old is a pre-Crip? Elementary school kids are more likely to be flashing their colors a few years down the road if they have a lousy family life, beat up classmates, flunk or cut classes, have a relative in a gang, come home to…
This is a story of how the schoolchildren of Arizona are denied a decent education by naive bureaucrats, businessmen too fond of sharp practices, and conniving politicians. It is a tale of the single worst blind date in the history of Phoenix. In this column, you will also discover that…
I do not handle illness well. Give me a mild case of sniffles or up my body temperature to 98.7 and I start doing my impersonation of Ali MacGraw in Love Story. I tramp around the house, moaning softly and reminding my wife that love means never having to say…
During one of the few days he actually appeared for work at the United States Coast and Geodetic Survey, James Abbott McNeill Whistler executed a small engraving of an island in the Santa Barbara Channel off the coast of California. Because he was Whistler, he could not resist adding some…
Emery Johnson sauntered into South Mountain High School this fall wearing his shades and his Attitude. He fit right in with all the other gangly, streetwise kids who sure as hell didn’t need to be bothered with school. He started ditching classes almost immediately. He decided he’d rather spend his…
Phoenix’s embattled inner-city high schools faced their biggest crisis ever last summer, when a short, round, hyperactive Irishman named Timothy Dyer announced that he planned to resign as superintendent of the Phoenix Union High School District. The leprechaunesque Dyer, who cooked up the South Mountain Plan, has been a successful…
The scandal of pedophile Catholic priests in the Diocese of Phoenix has distressed Bishop Thomas O’Brien so much that he no longer will talk publicly about it–except to excoriate reporters for writing about the topic. But there was no escaping from the topic earlier this month, when O’Brien and his…
Long ago, in a bathroom not very far away, the leaders of the Rebel Alliance–led by the heroic Luke Skywalker–planned their next attack against the evil Galactic Tub Toys in an adventure that would become known as . . . THE EMPIRE GETS WET An All-Star Sci-Fi Action Fantasy with…
The uproar over Gene Stallings’ departure is just one more indication that Phoenix remains a hick sports town. As a coach, Stallings was a loser. The Phoenix Cardinals will survive. They may not get any better, but they won’t be any the worse for his leaving. There’s a revolving track…
When the story is fully told, I think Keith Turley’s greed will rival Charles Keating’s penchant for buying U.S. senators in sheer gall. The head of Arizona’s largest corporation, Pinnacle West, Turley recently disclosed in documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission that he expects you and me and…
You’re John McCain, a fallen hero who wanted to become president so desperately that you sold yourself to Charlie Keating, the wealthy con man who bears such an incredible resemblance to The Joker. Obviously, Keating thought you could make it to the White House, too. He poured $112,000 into your…
When is a trivia question not a trivia question? For the answer to that puzzler, just grab the phone and call Star Entertainment Trivia, a new telephone game sponsored by the grocery store tabloid of the same name. Using touch-tone buttons to indicate your responses, simply answer six multiple-choice questions…
Two local attorneys–an Italian-American and a black–are launching a petition drive this morning (November 15) they hope will resolve the muddled King holiday controversy, New Times has learned. Joe Martori and Cynthia McCoy, attorneys with Brown & Bain who call their effort the Holiday Unity Group, or HUG, say they…
Miniature John Candys in Weeboks conducting table-side experiments with snot. Pint-size Roseanne Barrs pulling assorted forms of insect life from their pinafore pockets at inappropriate moments. Or short Sam Kinisons peering up your female companion’s skirt, complete with running commentary. Say “children in restaurants,” and these nightmarish visions are what…
