Here–in all their pure, unexpurgated horror–are the three ugliest words you can hear after you’ve accepted a dinner-party invitation: “Grandma can’t baby-sit.” If just reading that sentence didn’t soak your shorts in cold sweat, you either don’t have a four-year-old, your four-year-old doesn’t have a grandma, or you’re never invited…
Dave Foreman took a short sip from a bottle of Pacifico. He wore walking shorts. Foreman stands better than six feet, much taller than he seemed a week before in a baggy blue jail uniform. It was late Saturday afternoon and Foreman was waiting on the front porch of the…
Here’s how stupid Phoenix looked in the worldwide broadcast of the Grand Prix by ESPN. After commercial breaks, the sports network used a cartoon logo of the Phoenix skyline. A howling cartoon coyote was identified by the broadcasting boob as “a wolf.” This desert critter was then replaced by an…
There were great sighs of relief at City Hall Monday. Now we can get this damn thing off our backs was the prevailing sentiment in the offices of Mayor Terry Goddard and Councilwoman Linda Sue Nadolski. For months, the two had been fighting off charges that someone–and each accused the…
A Phoenix firefighter lies paralyzed from the waist down following a bizarre Memorial Day incident at a local hospital in which he fell and hit his head after he was given a painkilling injection. According to accounts by friends and fellow firefighters, Kenneth Gardiner, a 22-year-old ambulance driver, had gone…
There’s nothing like the smell of pigskin to make Arizona politicos jump. State and city officials jumped through hoops for years as various NFL teams teased the Valley with the possibility of professional football. Nor were they deterred when teams like the Philadelphia Eagles and the Indianapolis Colts used the…
The munitions-plant explosion west of Buckeye last week that decapitated one man and injured two others came as no surprise to Sandy Coe-Davis. Three years ago, her husband Steve’s face was nearly blown off in a similar accident at a plant owned by the same man, Charles M. “Chuck” Byers…
All four prisoners shuffled into the courtroom as though headed for the scaffold. They were handcuffed. They wore the baggy blue jail uniforms that make everyone appear guilty until proven innocent. None of the four could manage a smile. They were escorted to the defense table with the same caution…
I don’t know why so many pregnant folks race to the nearest ultrasound machine the second their fetus is old enough to announce its gender. As far as I’m concerned, not knowing exactly what you’re getting is half the fun of pre-parenting. (The other half occurred during my wife’s final…
Mojo Nixon, currently, is God. He’s got a new record out that includes such bitchin’ songs as “Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Chile,” he’s got a couple of videos on MTV, he’s got a major part in the new movie about Jerry Lee Lewis, and he’s going…
Because you find yourself in trouble, you go to see an attorney. For almost two years you pour your heart out, plot strategy and reveal your most secret fears and schemes. Then you discover that your attorney wore a body bug which transmitted the conversations between the two of you…
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. Build a better clothes hanger and, well, you’d better hope the world has a compass, a four-wheel-drive vehicle and maybe even a can of javelina repellent. Actually, the man who hopes to revolutionize the country’s clothes…
Angel was preparing to join the dozen or so children who commit suicide each year in Arizona when someone heard her cry for help. At a moment when her despair was so deep that Angel felt as if the earth was closing over her, a stranger reached out and infused…
As long as our bad air holds out, the laser display planned for Patriots Square likely will be a great success. The park has been touted as a symbol of the Valley’s desire to build itself a high-tech industrial future. The flashy laser show will complete architect Ted Alexander’s bizarre…
Janette Kimble, one of three ultraconservative Glendale school board members targeted by a recall effort, has been accused of interfering with voters at the Glendale nursing home where she works. Two former county elections workers say Kimble attempted to prevent them from helping elderly residents at the Glencroft Retirement Community…
Get ready, big wheels. Five years have passed since the debut edition of Who’s Who in Arizona hit the streets. Now Scottsdale’s tiny Success Publishing Company has swung back into action, collecting the names of the heaviest hitters in the state. Sort of. If the last volume of the local…
When you write a newspaper column, some people automatically assume that you must know something. Incredible, I know, but it happens. To disprove this notion, I will now answer my reader mail. Q: My eighteen-month-old daughter takes long naps, goes to sleep early at night and still sleeps late. What…
“You folks don’t need another holiday. What you folks need are jobs,” said then-Governor Evan Mecham to Pastor Warren Stewart. The remark was made in 1986 during a meeting with black leaders who had gathered to persuade Mecham that Arizona needed a holiday to recognize Martin Luther King Jr. The…
Got a problem with the bank or company holding the mortgage on your house? Don’t count on Arizona’s Banking Department to help you out. Alan and Barbara Woodruff found that out the hard way. They bought an $89,000 home in Phoenix four years ago and assumed the mortgage, but soon…
I’m puzzled by this latest turn in Steve Benson’s career. Generally, I enjoy the images Benson draws for the Arizona Republic. He has a talented pen. He may even become a cartoonist of stature if and when he matures. To do that, however, Benson must stop his slavish imitations of…
Based on my son’s growth rate, his pediatrician estimates he’ll grow to be about six feet six or seven. This is not wonderful news. When I chose to become a parent, it never occurred to me that I might one day have to buy groceries for a Jolly Teen Giant…
Maybe Sam Steiger can appreciate the humor in the current mess at the state parole board. Governor Rose Mofford has fired board member Ron Johnson without pay. Ironically, Steiger tried to do the same thing to Johnson more than a year ago and almost went to jail for his efforts…
