5 Traditions For Celebrating Jimmy Buffett Day, Which Is a Real Thing

It's Jimmy Buffett Day Eve, Phoenix, and there's nothing you can do about it. According to a press release promoting Thursday's "Songs from St. Somewhere" tour stop, Mayor Greg Stanton has declared that tomorrow will -- now and forevermore -- be Jimmy Buffett Day. No word yet as to whether he will pardon Buffett's Coral Reefer Band, charged Tuesday with possession of a marijuana pun with intent to use it in a band name.

As a Midwesterner constitutionally unable to drink or tan, I have a complicated relationship with Jimmy Buffett. But as a music editor, it's my duty to facilitate relations between local music fans and the parrotheads (not a racial slur) who will be celebrating on Central Avenue prior to the show. That's why I've collected these five traditional ways of celebrating Jimmy Buffett Day, which, again, is happening.

1. Rewrite "Why Don't We Get Drunk" to fit modern social mores.

Since Plato, philosophers have struggled to unite the physical world with the world of spirit and ideas. Starting with the Council of the Party at the End of the World [Tour] in 2007, parrotheads (not a philosophical tradition) have rejected Buffett's earlier dualism, contending that the unsafe practices described in the heretofore canonical "Why Don't We Get Drunk" are -- if not heretical -- perhaps too dangerous for novice and initiate parrotheads (not a religious order.)

In Margaritaville, that is, after the earth passes away and it is 5 o'clock everywhere, it will be okay to get drunk and screw potential snuff queens; so long as we're in the material world, where waterbeds leak and anyway the landlord's a real bitch about them, we must wait. Revisions to the doctrine in the mid-'90s challenged long-held beliefs about birth control and designated drivers, a change which continues to rankle adherents to the Latina Mass.

2. Visit Christmas Island with your family

Jimmy Buffett Day isn't Christmas -- it's about


work, not getting the day off -- but Jimmy Buffett's Christmas album fulfills a prophecy: When Robert Alex Anderson write "Mele Kalikimaka" in 1949 he was clearly anticipating a savior who didn't exist in his world.

What uninspired non-Anderson, in the black-and-white wake of World War II, could have really imagined a savior so able to meld Bing Crosby and Polynesia?

3. Meditate on the time Jimmy Buffett came down to earth to save us.

Prior to the banishment of the Aquarian heresy many doubted the doctrine of trinitarianism, which clarifies that Jimmy Buffett the Author, the Beach Bum, and the Country Singer are both all-in-one and one-in-all. His first album,

Down to Earth

, fueled the heterodoxy by portraying Buffett the Country Singer alone.

Contemporary celebrants of Jimmy Buffett Day use this time on the advent calendar to meditate on the mystery, rather than contending with it, although "The Christian?"'s vision of a world where "charity costs half as much as beer" is considered by some to be an early source for the parrothead doctrine of Hell (not a lake of fire.)

4. Follow his roadie on Twitter

@Margarillas is a rosary created for meditating upon the passion of Jimmy Buffett the human entertainer. Every day Jimmy Buffett's roadie fields questions from parrotheads (not a press corps) about set lists and crew members with alacrity, keeping people in frigid autumn cubicles keyed into paradise between Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday visits from Buffett.

Jimmy Buffett Day isn't just about enjoying the good times. It's about being able to withstand the bad times, when the boss is totally on your ass and it's not margarita weather at all. Sometimes you get baked, and sometimes somebody bakes you.

5. Just totally take it easy for a little while

After the stockings have been hung, and the traditional Jimmy Buffett Day carols read, and "Why Don't We Get Drunk" has been sung, go out onto Central Avenue and just hang loose, man. Listen to some tunes, wear some shorts, eat some good food, and just enjoy yourself.

It's all about, like, freedom from the grind, you know? And, like, we can joke about it, but who hasn't felt that every once in a while? So just go out there, don't get all pissed about the traffic-blocking stuff because is that even such a huge deal in the middle of the day when you're at work anyway? The parrotheads (not a cult) aren't gonna discriminate. They're just gonna hang out, and you can hang out.

Find any show in Metro Phoenix via our online concert calendar.

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