An Exclusive Soundtrack to Charlie Sheen's "Bi-Winning" Lifestyle

​As we all know by now, our all-American main man Charlie Sheen is "bi-winning." He's attempting to leave drug use behind, although he's still down to get crazy with porn starts. Who can blame him?

Has the country's classier, older, and male version of Ke$ha gone absolutely nuts? Well obviously; the man's got tiger blood, for goodness sake.

The next time you watch Sheen's revealing interview with Good Morning America, sift through his best quotes and let the following soundtrack guide you through the summary of what's going on in Sheen's life.

1. "All I Do Is Win" by DJ Khaled

The non-bipolar but "bi-winning" Sheen is winning enough for two (and a half) men these days. For the "bi-winning" spirit in all of us, here is DJ Khaled's hit "All I Do Is Win." Duh, winning.

2. "Mind of a Lunatic" by Geto Boys

When asked about his behavior being perceived by the public as erratic, Sheen responded, "You borrow my brain for five seconds, and just be like, 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!'" He then suggested that he mentally processes ideas in a way that is "not from this particular terrestrial realm." Sheen is only providing more evidence that he's totally lost it.

3. "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd

Charlie Sheen has been in rehab since he was hospitalized for stomach pains in January. Since his stint in rehab, he's been making a habit out of saying plenty of things that CBS surely couldn't be pleased with. Furthermore, he's been talking about his life candidly, shamelessly and honestly, not leaving out any details or denying his heavy history with drugs. Here's a song to honor Sheen when he used to get too deep into drug usage.

4. "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk

Speaking of drug usage, Sheen told Good Morning America that his body is invincible. "Last time I took drugs, I probably took more than anybody could survive." He continued, "I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll!" In the words of Charlie Sheen, "Dying's for fools," so why not go big or go home a la Daft Punk?

5. "Never Say Never" by Justin Bieber

"Can't is the cancer of happen," Sheen said. What the hell does that even mean? In any case, Sheen proved that he's a man of perseverance, just like everyone's favorite pubertizing teenager.

6. "Blame It (On the Alcohol)" by Jamie Foxx

One of my favorite recent Sheenisms is, "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children." I truly couldn't have said it better myself, Charlie. Where does he come up with this stuff?

7. "Chewing Bottles" by Radical Face

Normally I would safely assume it's his good friends Jim, Jack and Jose, among others, that have been inspiring these quotes. If he had taken his partying lightly, blaming it on the alcohol would be more reasonable, except if he was going so hard that he was consuming more drugs than anyone could survive, maybe he was going through bottles a little faster than just one at a time.

8. "Clean" by Depeche Mode

Now that he's cleaned up, Sheen said his life with his kids is perfect and exciting. Apparently living with two ugly porn stars is perfect and exciting for him too. At least television's highest paid actor is finally getting his act together. Better late than never, right?

9. "Creep" by Radiohead

Overall, if Gnarls Barkley's hit can't sufficiently sum up present-day Charlie Sheen, then it would still be a safe bet to let Radiohead tell Sheen's story on his behalf.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Lenni Rosenblum