BroLoaf: Ben Brah and Coach Grundy in the Raw

Editor's note: We barely knew what we were getting into when we sent Serene Dominic to interview BroLoaf -- but we damn sure ended up with more of it than could fit in our paper. So, for your high-fiving, beer-ponging pleasure, here's Serene's extended interview with BroLoaf. I can practically smell the Axe body spray from here.

When bands choose an opening act to warm their minions up, they're only thinking about getting some rookies onstage to basically test the electricity in the building while they do some blow quietly backstage. And if they are not thinking at all, they pick an opening act like BroLoaf, the Michael Jordan of hardcore, a band who will loudly do the very same drugs onstage with fans--at supersized portions!

At any given time at a BroLoaf show there between twelve to fifteen people onstage tossing out trinkets, beer ponging, fear mongering, pillow fighting, booty bouncing and making that headliner's stage look like a freshman's college dorm room circle of death.

BroLoaf will be raising the stakes significantly for The Dwarves and Nashville Pussy when they open the Sunday, September 18 show at the Marquee. But don't expect them to respect their elders or follow any weird sort of opening act etiquette. We sat down with BroLoaf founder Ben Brah and Coach Grundy, the band's head coach and head life coach, to find out just how they much 110 percent this band of stage pummeling champions has left to give after 22 shows.

Up on the Sun: Does it bother you that people think BroLoaf is less than genuine because the group was brought together through artificial means, like The Spice Girls or Menudo?

BB: We make no bones about it. We formed as a result of The Thrash of the Titans contest. They stuck me with three other musicians, two I didn't know and some kid gave us the name. I told him I'd buy him a beer.

Did you buy him that beer?

CG: No but we will make restitution to that young boy when time constraints allow.

BB: We did the first show as our CD release show and then we made the 2nd show as a CD release, too. That started the ball rolling, we're on our show 23 and each one has been bigger than the last.

Going by that math, shouldn't BroLoaf be on its 23rd CD release by now?

BB: Well, that gets kind of expensive. We put a lot of time into our first full length, Champions on Parade. We always give 110 percent every time we play. That's why no one wants to miss a single BroLoaf show because they're always going to get something different.

Do you ever have to leave a deposit with a club for possible damages BroLoaf might incur in a routine show?

BB: No, we generally try to pack up our shit and duck out anyone can say anything.

CG: That might've been true in the earlier days but now clubs have actually come to us asking us to destroy their club. It's almost a point of pride to have BroLoaf come and mess shit up .

BB: We played a place in Redondo Beach, It was a revenge booking, basically. The promoter had it with the club owner and hired us to destroy their club. We made a fuckin' mess. You mix ripped up porn with beer and cocaine? It makes a sticky paste.

CG: The bar had recently been remade on some reality show because it had burned down. Some hard luck story. They made it all sort of ritzy, to make it a kind of destination and we came in and pasted up the place. But now that BroLoaf's gotten bigger, that promoter's bringing us back to that same club to destroy it again.

BB: On their dime, giving us a shitwad of alcohol. Pretty awesome.

BroLoaf is known for its extravagant productions. Has anything BroLoaf planned for a show ever not work? A major prop fail? Wardrobe malfunction?

BB: It's always 110 percent. We never make any mistakes. We're the Michael Jordan of hardcore. Print it! Remember it!

Opening acts as a rule have to contend with hostile crowds...

BB: We win them over every time! This is a band who has played a wrestling match in front of the ring 45 minutes before the match started. We're standing there in front of a bunch of wild wrestling fans angry that they have to sit through a rock show. Let alone our rock show.

Pumped up testosterone males hungry for violence? Aren't those BroLoaf kind of people?

BB: You'd think but then they go home to their wives and they listen to Creed. So when you're used to hearing that and then BroLoaf comes out and spews in your mom's face...

CG: Put it this way, we've never had a crowd booing us at the close of the set.

But this Marquee show, you're there as an opener, so is there some sort of protocol you follow? Does BroLoaf approach those kinds of sets any differently?

BB: No, we're still there to party first and foremost. We're not going to give BroLoaf fans anything less than the 110 percent we promised them.

CG: Like our Christmas show with The Vandals. The Vandals were supposed to do this Christmas thing and they had on some new fancy sweaters, they had a Christmas tree and a few gift wrapped boxes that looked like they were for Toys for Tots but they were really just empty gift-wrapped boxes. By comparison, we had Santa handing out bags of coke to the kids, popping bottles of champagne, people crashing through tables, real action. People laughed, cried and learned a little something about Christmas that night.

BB: Then The Vandals came out and played in their sweaters.

Has BroLoaf played with any of their musical heroes?

BB: We got to play with The Meatmen. And we're pretty excited to be playing with The Dwarves. But we're also pretty conceited because we're the best band there is and ever was.

CG: When you want heroes, there's no need to look further than than a mirror.

At some of your shows, Detective Lancer of the Scottsdale PD has gotten pelted with half-full cans of with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Does the violence at BroLoaf shows worry you?

BB: No, because BroLoaf can't be stopped by any onslaught. We'll throw down our instruments if we see one our our extended fraternity getting hurt. We're a family first and foremost and as such we're always ready for a fight.

But at some point, won't the excesses take their toll BroLoaf? Can you see a day where say maybe Todd the Bod or Johnny Deuces might develop a drug problem?

BB: We're all drug enthusiasts. So no one in the band has a "problem."

But consuming copious quantities of coke as you do, doesn't that get expensive?

BB: I tell you what's expensive. The giant straws are expensive.

At some point it's gotta affect your performance...

BB: The 'roids usually cancel out the buzz, anyway.

CG: Every second we're breathing success.

Breeding success?

CG: Breathing and breeding success. It makes no difference.

As BroLoaf's head coach and head life coach, what's your main function?

CG: A well oiled machine of sex, drugs and booze needs an engine.

BB: Coach Grundy is that engine.

But if BroLoaf has already chosen the sex, drugs and booze lifesyle, what do they need a life coach for?

CG: A good coach leads by example and if that means out drugging, out drinking or banging more teenage ass to keep these boys focused, that's what I'll do.

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Serene Dominic
Contact: Serene Dominic