Small towns and big boozers go together. If you don't believe that, then you've probably never lived in a small town, where the most exciting thing to do is drink and gossip about how much of a drunkard everyone else in town is.
The members of NYC pop-surf-punk band Jesus H Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse each spent their share of time in small towns, and now, they've written a tongue-in-cheek social commentary song about community drunks. It's called "Alcoholics In My Town," and features fictional characters like a teacher's aid who drinks Vodka lemonade and "Debbie's father," who keeps a keg in his basement and "backed his riding mower into the swimming pool."
The "Alcholics In My Town" video was directed by Dan Minahan (who's worked on TV shows like Game of Thrones, True Blood, and Six Feet Under). Check out the video after the jump, along with a list of five small Arizona towns we think the song could be about.
Five small Arizona towns we think of when listening to this song:
New River: This town of roughly 10,000 in northwestern Maricopa County is sometimes a stop along road trips down the northbound Black Canyon Highway (a.k.a. I-17). I stopped there to use the bathroom at the Roadrunner Restaurant & Bar once, and questioned whether I'd make it out alive or not. Every two feet on my way to the loo, a different bearded dude with missing teeth stopped to offer me a drink, before they all swarmed around me at once, promising with a collective cloud of booze breath that's "We's harmless." Apparently, they don't get a lot of unfamiliar female faces around New River.
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Quartzsite: Anybody who's ever driven to California from Arizona (or vice versa), has passed through this oddball town, as the I-10 runs right through it. This town is known for, among other things, having a nudist book seller, lots of businesses run out of trailers, and an annual gem show. It has also has one notable bar, with the upscale moniker Beer Bellys. A good portion of the town's 3,400-or-so people cool their heels here, in between getting naked and peddling geodes.
Crown King: If you can even get to Crown King (and you can't unless you have a vehicle with 4-wheel drive), you'll probably need a drink. The high, winding mountain roads that lead to Crown King (elevation: 5,771 feet) are unpaved and have no guard rails. The estimated 133 people that live there don't get off the mountain much, but they're used to seeing campers and tourists pull up a bar stool at the town's only watering hole, the Crown King Saloon. And since there's no need for any sane person to drive anywhere, everybody gets a little toasty.
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Heber-Overgaard: This town in northeastern Arizona (an hour and a half east of Payson) is nestled in the heart of Mormon Country. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has such a stronghold there that liquor licenses for festivals are often denied. Thank goodness there are a couple places to drink, namely The Cabin Bar and Grill and the Wild Women Saloon & Grill. We've seen all kinds of debauchery at both places, and we'll leave it at that.
Page: The estimated population of this town near Lake Powell isn't quite 7,000 - and yet there are numerous bars, with names like Gunsmoke Saloon, Cove, the Dam Bar & Grille, and Ken's Old West. There are liquor stores, too, because everybody knows you can't go near a lake without a cooler full of beer. And what the heck else is there to do in Page, anyway?