Mother's Day -- the day we set aside of reflect on what our mothers, grandmothers, godmothers, and other types of mothers have done for us over the years -- is on its way. They were there when we first smoked marijuana (though they weren't aware what we were up to) and they were there when we stumbled in the house after drinking a fifth of the cheapest vodka money could buy. They've stood by us with love and kindness at our best and our worst (more often the latter).
So when you were a kid and your mom busted your chops over the music you listened to, remember that she just cared. So when your mother asks you what kind of music you listen to, you'd better lie if you buy albums with that little white parental-advisory label posted in the corner of the album. Honestly, your mom doesn't want to know what you listen to. She doesn't need to know a lot of things about how you spend your day, but she especially doesn't need to know about the filth you fill your ears with. But what if you're not sure what's acceptable and what isn't? Allow us to help with this list of five artists your mom definitely doesn't want you listening to.
Let's go ahead and start with the obvious: Marshall Mathers (a.k.a. Eminem, a.k.a. Slim Shady) has been rapping about hating his mother since the beginning of his career, when he announced to his fans, "Hi, kids, do you like violence?" His lyrics talk about everything from murder to rape to abusing every drug imaginable, and he attributes all this to the hatred he has toward his mother to the lack of love and guidance he got from her growing up. She's not keen on him, either, and has tried to sue him in the past, though he's made plenty of conciliatory advances in recent years.
GG Allin & The Murder Junkies
GG Allin -- birth name Jesus Christ Allin -- died of a heroin overdose in 1993, but despite the fact that he's no longer around, his fan base is growing. He spent his nights on stage flinging his own feces and urine on stage, cutting himself, and threatening to kill himself while performing. He had lyrics about racism and pedophilia, and when he was alive, he wanted "to make rock 'n' roll dangerous again." He also was imprisoned for assault on a girl, whom he reportedly cut and whose blood he drank. As you can imagine, all this would just scare your mom to death. Rightfully so.
The king of freaking moms out. My mom still can't even say his name in a sentence without adding the word "antichrist." Manson's done his best to earn his reputation -- and the image of his face on posters and shirts serves as a pale, made-up visage exemplifying exactly what moms hate most about music.
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Unless you're 12 years old and songs about sex and body parts still make you giggle, you really shouldn't be listening to these guys anyway. They have a few songs not concerning the fairing sex -- "Banned in the USA" comes to mind, but most of their track library is littered with tracks about sticking this into that, and then wiping this off and putting it in somewhere else. Mothers want you to respect women, and not sing along words to songs about turning tongues "doo-doo brown." I hope there isn't a need for an explanation to that lyric -- and if you need one, certainly don't ask your mom.
Varg Vikernes of Burzum
Most mothers probably have not heard of Varg Vikernes, the darkest of the dark figures from the Norway black metal scene. He is linked to paganism, Satanism, and the neo-Nazi ideals, so please don't share that you "dig his music" with anyone, especially your mother. By now, she's figured out how to use Google, will read of prison sentences for burning down churches in Europe, and murdering a former guitarist. And she will sit you down for a serious talk in which she fears for your soul. Don't let this happen. It's not how she wants to spend Mother's Day. Trust us.