Comedy

Four Simple Ways to Get People to Stop Using Phones at Concerts

I'm still stuck in 2008, being one of the few freaks without a smartphone, so I don't really "get it." All I need this chunk of plastic to do is occasionally make phone calls or send text messages.

For me, constantly being connected to the Internet would be a living nightmare. It takes enough of a toll on my mental health as it is. Besides, I have an excellent sense of direction, so I don't need GPS. So what else is a smartphone useful for? Shitty video games about birds? Squinting at YouTube videos on the light rail? Getting lo-res porn from your friends on SnapChat? Wow, how am I possibly living without a smartphone? (Yet, that's still a question I receive often.)

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Troy Farah is an independent journalist and documentary field producer. He has worked with VICE, Fusion, LA Weekly, Golf Digest, BNN, Tucson Weekly, and Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Troy Farah