Idol's Top 12 Gets a Big, Fat Dose of Faaaaabulousness

Before we get to the nittty-gritty of last night's American Idol Group 2 results show, I just want to take a moment to brag and say that I called it. Yes, I know it wasn't that hard to predict who, out of Tuesday night's group, would get through to the Top 12, but can't you just let me have my moment? My one moment in time, when it was more than I thought I could be? OK, I'll stop. As always, last night's show was filled with all sorts of stupid filler, but if you didn't stay tuned for the whole thing, you missed out on a couple of awesome highlights. To recap:

We start out by getting introduced, yet again, to the three who made it on from last week's group, Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Hokey-Gokey. So do these people just sit around for the next three weeks or what? This is cutting into the time Gokey would normally spend trolling for terminally ill woman to marry before the Top 12 start singing.

Cut to a shot of the 12 who sang last night, and -- oh sweet Jesus, Kai, what the hell are you wearing? Please do not tell me you are wearing a T-shirt with a skinny tie printed on it like one of those lame tuxedo shirts that too-cool-for-school hipsters used to wear. Oh, yes you are. And I silently weep for our lost love. I would have supported you through your poor performance last night, Kai, but that lame T-shirt was the nail in our proverbial coffin. Sadness.

The other contestants, on the whole, also sort of look like maybe Scott McIntyre dressed them: Jeanine "boo hoo, I didn't get any screen time" Vailes looks like an extra on Sexy Hee Haw; Matt Breitzke looks like a reject from the Tommy Bahama spring catalog; and Jasmine Murray looks like she got in a bad car accident, necessitating her wearing a bedazzled neck brace. But I digress. This isn't a beauty competition, right? Right??

We have to sit through the contestants doing a group sing of Ne-Yo's "Closer," and it is totally awkward and uncomfortable. Mishavonna Henson does the whole, "Look at me! I can be fun and young!" thing after the judges' comments last night that she acts like an old lady, and Kai does a weird head bobbing thing and Nick Mitchell, who all of a sudden acts like he's too good for Normund Gentle (it's OK Normund, we still love you!) acts like Liza Minelli off of her pain meds. God, group sings are painful.

Then we have to watch Seadouche try to build up the suspense by putting the singers in different groups and moving them around and it's all so forced because we all know who's going through tonight.

Allison Iraheta is the first one through and she rocks Heart's "Alone" again and it reminds me that Heart rocks and I messed up by not seeing them when they were in Phoenix at the beginning of the month. Anyway, she deserves it, and seems much moe animated tonight than she was Wednesday night, which is a relief, because I really do want to like her. 

Matt Giraud and Megan Corkery get knocked out (though they'll both be back for the Wild Card) and Kris Allen gets through, and his super blond mother and wife lose their shit. And he sings Wacko Jacko's "Man in the Mirror" again and he actually is a pretty good singer.

Last season's hometown girl (Mesa, where you at?) Brooke White comes on to shill her first single, which she calls "catchy," though after we hear it I wonder if she understands the definition of the word catchy. Unless I'm mistaken and "catchy" actually means "makes me want to take this time to get up for some  more water and some chips," in which case, yes, the song is damn catchy.

So then Mishavonna, Kai and Jasmine are all sent home in one fell swoop, and while I hope for Kai's return in the Wild Card round, I don't think it's going to happen.

Then it's down to Adam Lambert and Nick Mitchell, and for a split second I actually think Nick might get through, wihh would make me sad because I love Adam, but which would also be AWESOME because he is so ridiculous and it would piss Simon off. But, of course, Adam makes it through, and he sings "Satisfaction" again and--OH MY GOD, IS HE FEELING HIMSELF UP??? He totally is. He totally just grabbed his crotch and I love it. I think America is finally ready for a fabulous, fierce Idol like Adam Lambert. I think I've found my personal frontrunner.

We get a look at next week's contestants dancing around like idiots, but how cute was Scottsdale's Scott McIntyre dancing with his cane? I can appreciate a man who can laugh at himself a little bit. I'm excited to hear him sing next week, along with: Alex Wagner-Trugman, Arianna Afsar, Felicia Barton, Jorge Nunez, Ju'Not Joyner, Kendall Beard, Kristen McNamara, Lil Rounds, Nathaniel Marshall, Von Smith, and Taylor Vaifanua.

Until then, fellow Idolers...

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