By Steve Jansen
It's been like this all season for Washington State
In 1981, the so-shitty Northwestern Wildcats' football team set a new NCAA record for consecutive losses with a 61-14 home shellacking at the hands of Michigan State. But instead of booing and dotting players in the back of the helmets with 9-volt batteries, what did the Wildcat fans do? They went into celebratory ape shit mode by storming the field, ripping down the goalposts, and parading down the center of Evanston yelling, “We’re the worst!" Then they tossed the Technicolor yellow spheres into the drink of Lake Michigan.
These guys were onto something.
On Saturday, quite possibly the number one stinker of all-time, the 2008 Washington State Cougars, will play the weak-sauced ASU Sun Devils at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe. Since the Devils are sucking ass themselves these days, don’t expect the game to resemble football by any means, but more like a pillow fight between wheelchair-bound elderly in an old folks home.
So far this season, the Cougars from Wazzu are 1-9. That one win came against lower-division Portland State. Throw that out and WSU has lost its nine games by a cumulative score of 493-91. Watching these pussycats play is like sticking your head into a latrine and (imagine you’re in a yoga class) breathing. It’s a god-awful stink.
Here are some other impressive feats thus far for WSU:
*Five of the last six opponents have scored 58 or more points against the Cougs, including back-to-back shutouts at the hands of USC (69-0) and Stanford (58-0).
*Out of 119 Football Bowl Subdivision schools, WSU is 118th in points scored (15.4/game) and last in rushing defense (279 yards yielded/game), turnover margin (-2.20/game), and sacks (.70/game).
*In the October 18 home defeat to USC, the Cougars earned four first downs, 116 total yards (28 passing, 88 rushing), and lost the turnover battle 3-0. The score could have been more lopsided, but towards the end of the first half and with USC on the WSU 10-yard line, the Trojans, who probably felt like a Pop Warner youth football team was better than the Cougars, allowed time to expire.
Told you they stink.
Then there are the 3-6 Sun Devils, who aren’t exactly the crème de la crème of college football. The team – who all suffered from dislocated hearts during a home loss to 23-point underdog UNLV in mid-September – finally broke a school-tying six-game losing streak against the winless Washington Huskies, though it was actually a game for 2 1/2 quarters.
We'll be partying here if ASU loses
Oddsmakers have the Devils as 36 1/2-point favorites, which is saying something for the sucktitude of Washington State. And though we’re not necessarily rooting for ASU to puke all over its mustard-colored pants and somehow choke away this game to the pantywaists from Pullman, we wouldn’t be too upset if they lost. We would look at it as an opportunity to celebrate, just like Evanston, Illinois, circa 1981.
You see, if the Northwestern supporters could embrace the faults of its team and find solace in the suck, then think how big of a party 60,000 fans (the expected attendance for Saturday’s game) in Sun Devil Stadium could have. We haven’t seen a cool blowout bash in downtown Tempe since 1996 when Sun Devil fans carried goalposts down Mill Avenue following the epic shutout victory against #1 Nebraska.
This is why you must head out to Sun Devil Stadium this weekend and witness potential history. Support the suck. And if Washington State wins, save us a spot in the goalpost parade.
The Arizona State Sun Devils take on the Washington State Cougars during a Pac-10 football game at Sun Devil Stadium, 500 East Veterans Way in Tempe. The game kicks-off at 3:30 p.m. Saturday, November 15. Go to www.thesundevils.com.