By Benjamin Leatherman
Saturday night is your last chance ever to get assaulted by E.T.T.S.
I deal with a crapload of local bands as Clubs Editor for the Phoenix New Times. Each and every week I sift through hundreds of web pages, flyers, and e-mails in the process of assembling our music listings for each issue. It can sometimes be something of a monotonous blur, inputting a myriad of boring-ass band names as The Crown Kings or EastonAshe into our database.
The only thing that punctuates the tediousness is when I occasionally come across bands from around these parts boasting names of a profoundly vulgar or distasteful nature, which tends to put a smile on my face at the sheer audacity (okay, I’m easily amused).
Here’s a list of the best of the worst:
5. The Priapisms
This four-piece jazz/funk outfit, which performs every weekend at chic Scottsdale nightspot Jackrabbit Lounge, isn’t offensive per se. Far from it. It’s just that their moniker is a word for an erection that won’t go away. You know, the thing that happens when you take too much Viagra. (Not that I’ve ever had to, mind you).
4. The Mongoloids www.myspace.com/themongoloid
Technically this band doesn’t exist anymore, as it transformed into Vacation To Kill the Nation a while ago. Still, I thought they deserved inclusion because I’ve heard people in the past take offense at their name, which is an extremely distasteful slang term for someone suffering from Down Syndrome.
3. Pinky Tuscadero’s White Knuckle AssFuck www.myspace.com/ptwkaf
Lead singer and guitarist Tom Reardon once jokingly tried to tell me that the name for his band (which references a minor character from Happy Days) was some sort of “statement on feminism.” Since it was said with a smile, I doubt very much that it was true. One thing I don’t doubt is that the group’s full moniker is rarely displayedin print in advertisements or newspapers (except for the New Times, that is), as it's usually listed as PTWKAF. The band’s comical punk/stoner rock songs are as ribald as its name. To wit: Here’s a sample lyric from the song “Xena,” which is dedicated to the fantasy TV show of the same name: “She fucked the cyclops that lives inside my pants/She had to use two hands and do a dance/Her friend Gabrielle is such a little tramp.”
2. Christfucker www.myspace.com/christfuckercountry
I summed up this ultra-caustic trio’s offensiveness fairly well in a piece I wrote back in 2005 called “Bible Humpers.” Here’s an excerpt:
Jumpin' Jesus, thought Aaron Burkey, I'm a friggin' genius! The 35-year-old vocalist/guitarist was searching for the perfect name for his latest band, but the possibilities weren't catchy or distasteful enough. He was considering Kiddiesnuff when he was struck by a revelation: Why not pair the Son of God with what's arguably the vilest word in the English vernacular? Thus, Christfucker was born.
"It came to me one night, and I decided it's the best goddamned thing I ever heard," says Burkey. The malicious moniker is par for the course for the hard-charging power-punk trio, as performances routinely feature Burkey cutting his forehead with broken glass or assaulting bassist Robert Tabler and drummer Cory Wahlen with his mic stand between songs like "I Hate Hippies" or "Get the Fuck Out."
1. E.T.T.S. http://www.myspace.com/etts
Death metal outfit E.T.T.S. is hands-down the most offensive band in the Valley. Why? Just take a look at their MySpace page for proof. (Warning: It’s not for the faint of heart). Besides the beyond-ghastly cartoon background image of two thugs raping and eviscerating people, there are the numerous other sickening images, including an animated GIF of their logo getting doused with a certain body fluid. Their ultra-heavy grindcore songs – with titles like “Manhandle Your Vagina” and “Recompose the Decomposed” are equally as nasty. In case you’re wondering E.T.T.S. stands for “Evicting the Testicular Squatters.”
There live shows are also filled with a variety of blood and mayhem. And If you’re interested in witnessing such a horrific spectacle, Saturday will be you last chance to do so, as E.T.T.S. is staging their final show ever at Metal Devastation, 2427 East Bell Road, starting at 8 p.m. Bring a towel if you go.