Leave anything in your car
Particularly children and pets, but also crayons, chocolate, or anything else you don't want freshly painted into the upholstery. This mostly applies to the nine months a year when it's summer, but you should learn to follow this rule all year round.
Wear a ski jacket and gloves
It's never that cold. Stop overreacting. You should be celebrating when it drops to 70 degrees, because that means it won't be 110 for at least a little while. You can go outside and enjoy life in Phoenix without worrying about dying of heatstroke or sweating through your gray shirt.
Attract the attention of a Maricopa County sheriff's deputy
We know you think you have constitutional rights, but we've got the badges and dogs.
Go to Taco Bell
Grow up and go to a place with Spanish words in the title. Check out our Food Section for some recommendations. There are hundreds of better options than this gross monstrosity of a "Mexican" chain restaurant.
Say Phoenix is boring, when you live in Anthem
Please clarify that it's your life in the suburbs that's boring, not Phoenix.
Walk outside barefoot
Unless your plan is to burn off the soles of your feet, definitely don't do this. Not even to get the mail; you won't make it. This is maybe the only thing more painful than stepping on a piece of broken glass from that tequila bottle you dropped on your kitchen floor after taking too many shots.
Touch the metal part of the seat belt
Unless you need to cauterize a wound. Or if you're a masochist.
Get too friendly with a cactus
If you haven't pulled cactus spines out of yourself, you just haven't lived here long enough. Watch out for cholla, in particular.
Say, "It's a dry heat"
We're pretty sure they legalized punching people who say this.