Feathered Bastard

Antonio Villaraigosa Says Los Angeles Will Take Joe Arpaio If Suns Best Lakers (w/Riposte from Mayor Phil)

Finally, a way to get rid of Maricopa County's geriatric gendarme Sheriff Joe, and he doesn't even have to get indicted by the feds! Though that would still be pretty sweet.

In a message to Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon publicized today, La-la Land Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says the City of Angels will take custody of Arpaio, should the Suns bounce back from their loss yesterday, and best the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals.

"Should the Suns prevail," cracks Villaraigosa, "we will humbly accept ownership of `American's Toughest Sheriff,' Joe Arpaio, Sheriff of Maricopa County. Perhaps a stint in Los Angeles would teach him that you cannot deduce immigration status simply by looking at a person."

I wouldn't bet on that last part...though hizzoner just did.

Still, in the words of the late, great Henny Youngman, "Take my sheriff, please."

(For Mayor Phil's reply to Villaraigosa's wager, please see below.) 

If the Lakers win, according to the joke, Sand Land would have to take two Republinuts running for Golden State governor Steve Poizner and Meg Whitman.

But you're probably correct to conclude that the denizens of Los Angeles County would be selling Arpaio pinatas on every street corner should he ever set a cloven hoof there.

Villaraigosa snarked re: Canadian Steve Nash that, "we look forward to welcoming Steve to our team the next time he forgets to carry his passport with him."

L.A.'s mayor also praised the Suns for taking a stand against SB 1070 by wearing their Los Suns jerseys on Cinco de Mayo.

"I do want to applaud 'Los Suns' for standing up for the American values we all cherish, no matter where our families came from, no matter when they came to this great country."

In a more serious, friendly wager along the lines rival mayors usually pose one another, Villaraigosa said that if the Lakers win, "we will send a group of students to Dodger Stadium to behold the other great sports franchise in Los Angeles." And if the Suns win, "we call on Phoenix to treat a group of students to cheer on the Diamondbacks."

No word from Mayor Phil yet on his response to the Arpaio offer. No doubt his staff comedians are working feverishly as I type.

Update, May 18, 5:29 p.m.: Mayor Gordon's riposte to Villaraigosa's offer is in. Here follows the text. And who said the art of letter writing is dead?


May 18, 2010


The Honorable Antonio Villaraigosa

Mayor, City of Los Angeles

200 N. Spring St.

Los Angeles, CA 


Dear Mayor Villaraigosa:


Thanks so much for your letter, and for laying down such generous terms for our wager on the outcome of the Suns-Lakers series.


We're still confident in "Los Suns," even after the Game One loss. That's why we're ready to double down on our bet.


Should the Lakers win the series - a feat made more tricky, we assume, by your team's likely decision to boycott Phoenix and forfeit Games 3, 4 and 6 - we will happily accept both Steve Poizner and Meg Whitman. Though you may consider them far to the right, in the Arizona Legislature they would be considered RINOs - and we could use a few more of those here.


Should the Suns win, we'll be sad to see Sheriff Arpaio go, though we've long believed his true destiny lies in Hollywood. Besides Sheriff Joe, we're hopeful that you also can find room for former talk show host and Congressional candidate J.D. Hayworth in the event of a Suns win. We assume you're very plugged in down at the movie studios. Should there be any plans for a "Foghorn Leghorn" remake, we assure all concerned that J.D. is perfect for the part.


Thanks so much for your cooperation with this wager. We're also looking forward to hosting a happy group of school students at an upcoming Diamondbacks game, once the Suns emerge victorious.


Good luck and go Phoenix!


Very truly yours,



Phil Gordon


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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons

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