The key to successful superparenting, of course, is time management. In order to have children, a career and a life (or simply enough free time to peel yourself from the walls), modern moms and dads must take a hard look at their daily schedules and trim the fat the way Freddy Kreuger trims hair: down to the bone.
It has been estimated, for example, that the average parent spends 12.6 minutes each evening reading bedtime stories to his or her children. Over a period of ten years, this translates into 739.2 hours, 30.8 days, or one long, recuperative vacation at a poolside bar in Acapulco.
Granted, these folks may be sharing quantity time with their youngsters. But is it quality time? Get outta here.
As evidenced by the movies and television programs geared toward young people, today's kids possess the attention span of fish-tank algae. They refuse to be burdened with any more information than is absolutely necessary, preferring bedtime stories that are uncluttered with repetition, detail, nuance or point.
Recognizing this, I have condensed several popular nursery rhymes, fairy tales and children's stories to the degree that they will enthrall your offspring as never before while giving you enough time in a single evening to call your travel agent.
"THE THREE LITTLE PIGS." Substandard building-code requirements result in the deaths of two out of three singing pigs, causing one wolf to extol the virtues of "the other white meat."
"HICKORY DICKORY DOCK." A mouse ran up and down a clock until one in the morning. No one knows why.
"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." Former child star mistakes transvestite for grandma. Lengthy court battle ensues.
"JACK SPRAT." Mr. Sprat is a health nut, but the missus needs a Roto-Rooter man to unclog her arteries once a week.
"GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS." Blond juvenile delinquent breaks into a house, steals food, smashes furniture and ransacks the bedrooms before being scared off by the returning homeowners.
"WYNKEN, BLYNKEN AND NOD." Three kids live up to their weird names by looking for herring in a wooden shoe. Urinalysis tests prove inconclusive.
"THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF." "Wolf! Heh heh. Wolf! Heh heh. Wol . . . " The end.
"LITTLE JACK HORNER." Youngster eats with his fingers and concludes he's a good boy. No parents are around to contradict him.
"THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA." Royal heiress can't sleep after the Queen peas her bed.
"THE OWL AND THE PUSSYCAT." Interspecies marriage concludes with late-night mating ritual.
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR." Diamond-shaped object in sky baffles observer, resulting in his immediate recruitment as a network television executive.
"PETER, PETER, PUMPKIN EATER." Insane vegetarian holds wife hostage in large gourd. Neighbors describe him as "a loner."
"THE FROG PRINCE." A princess risks warts to get a boyfriend.
"THUMBELINA." An unemployed sideshow attraction considers risking warts to get a boyfriend, but changes her mind.
"RAPUNZEL." A prince discovers that human-hair ladders can cause blindness, if not warts.
"LITTLE BO PEEP." Girl meets sheep. Girl loses sheep. Girl has a lot more than warts to worry about.
"SLEEPING BEAUTY." A young female lives a dreary life until she discovers that teenage girls are most attractive when they're asleep.
"SNOW WHITE." A young female lives a dreary life shacked up with seven gold-digging dwarfs until she discovers that teenage girls are most attractive when they're asleep.
Today's kids possess the attention span of fish-tank algae. I have condensed several popular nursery rhymes, fairy tales and children's stories.
